I can't remember the last time that I thought about a past relationship and smiled. This isn't something that I dwell on, or let make me feel upset in any way on any sort of regular basis. I really don't even think too much about the past at all, to be perfectly frank. I'm in a pretty great place these days. But when you do give yourself the time to recap, or find yourself with the inability to keep out negative or painful thoughts from previous situations from flooding in sometimes, what do you remember? And what's the right way to heal?
I had spent quite some time in Singlesville before I really got to know myself, something I recommend to anyone and everyone. My close friends and I believe whole-heartedly in this process before committing to any relaish. That time gave me the insight that I needed to jump back in the dating scene this year. And also the right prescription x-ray lenses to see people for what they really are. Most of the time, that's the hardest part. When you don't really know [or love] yourself, it's impossible to see anything with a clear head. Red flags are ignored, your intentions are clouded, and sometimes you end up losing yourself in something that you shouldn't have bothered with from the get go.
I quickly realized that if I spent any more of my valuable time or focus on another idiot dude, I would never be the Artist/ Scientist/ Vocalist/ Painter/ International Hockey Star/ Air Traffic Controller/ Motivational Speaker/ Special Effects Director/ Jedi Knight that I had the potential to become.
So I stopped making anyone else a priority in a romantic way. [Leading someone on isn't something to be proud of, and I am sure that my polite attempts to remain friendly with a couple of people that I had gone on dates with was probably not the best course of action- as anger ensued when advances were shot down.] But, I can't say that even an ounce of me feels bad for that. Just because you watch a movie with someone, it doesn't mean you're obligated to get down. Period. If you feel that you are, Singlesville will welcome the jump in population when you decide to stay a while... because you need to.
I'll get down to the nitty gritty here. When you are in a bad relationship, often times you don't realize it until it's too late. You're already in, complacent, and you can start to ignore your own heart to either a.) keep the person you're with from being unhappy [classic rookie mistake], or b.) keep yourself from seeing how much work is really involved in 'starting over'. Sometimes, people make things work. Sometimes, if there really is a love there, they can cut their losses and walk away friends. Sometimes shit shows break out, and World War III is on the horizon.
Those are the usual possible scenarios in seemingly normal relationships.
The one thing that I do know, is that if you're in an abusive relationship, you need to get out of it.
If you are:
-Physically hurt by your partner
-Humiliated, or criticized in front of others by your partner
-Wondering if your partner has a history of violence, because of his/her words or actions toward you
-Trying to hide anything from your partner, for fear that their reaction will be negative or painful
-Dancing around topics rather than talking about them in order to keep your partner from becoming angry
-Hiding any visible clues that you've been hurt, such as bruises or cuts
-Keeping secrets from friends or family in order to keep your partner from looking like a 'bad guy', or yourself from looking 'weak'
[Or are completely avoiding them, so that they won't see that something is wrong and ask you questions]
-Engaging in physical actions with your partner that you feel uneasy about, uncomfortable with, or pressured to do
-Finding your partner threatening to hurt your pets or destroy your things
[or actually doing this]
-Verbally or physically threatened in any way by your partner
-Feeling like you've lost love and respect for the person that you're with, because of their hurtful words or actions
-Having thoughts that you can't 'do better', or that no one else will love you? Or actually hearing this from your partner [ahem...they're wrong],
Then finding help is something that you should be thinking about. I spent an obscene amount of time living this way. It is saddening that I am dealing, only really starting now, with emotions from this that I had stored away, somewhere far away in my mind. I endured all of the above crap, until I was so small that I started believing some of this bullshit was okay- it was routine. And then this person left me.
Actually did me a favor. Something that I probably wouldn't have done on my own. I struggled for a long time, went insanely into debt, and couch surfed for months before finding a great place on my own. I lived there with next to nothing, and slowly built my home. I was lonely, without much of my family, but the opportunity to strive to create a real life for myself made me the strongest that I have ever been. Having known the pain of an abusive situation has shown me what NOT to allow in my life. What NOT to allow in the lives of my friends and family. What NOT to suppress. What NOT TO KEEP SECRET.
I am openly revealing this information, as I often do about my Crohn's Disease, because there are people who need to know that they are not alone. I struggle with guilt for keeping myself [and my pup] in such a situation, but I feel as though I do now know my worth. Meeting a good man has shown me what to spend my time on. And I'll never let anyone take me from myself again.
Some information on types of abuse can be found here. I just started reading this and it's really good. I actually found these words:
In verbally abusive relationships, verbal abuse creates pain and trauma and can lead to physical illness. Ongoing abuse is stressful, no matter how much one tries to ignore it. Stress compromises the immune system leaving the abused person vulnerable to a host of illnesses.
I had a flare just two months after this relationship ended [almost a year and a half ago]- and I am STILL not in remission.
If you or anyone that you know is dealing with abuse, consider this site. http://www.thereislifeafterabuse.com/HowToGetHelp.html
There's also the National Domestic Abuse Hotline
Your local Police Department is always ready and willing to swing by and scoop you up if you're having a domestic issue. Always.
Thanks for reading. This post isn't about my usual belly stuff, but it can be great for your guts if you needed it.
<3
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