In My Fatigues

Rough morning fighting for energy.

Sometimes it seems as though when I am feeling strong enough to move forward with my healing in a healthy mind set, I am thrown back a few places with my physical bearings.  I woke up this morning to Cosmo whining to go outside.  We had been up a little later than the 10pm cap that I had put on the night, and the water was flowing.  I sat up to find him sitting by my bedroom door, with his head cocked to the side and his bright eyes looking up at me as if to say, 'Come on, Mama.  I've gotta pee and I know you do, too.'  

I had to tell him to wait.

I wasn't sure walking down two flights of stairs would be a good idea without drinking a lot of water first.  Last year, my visits to the ER for fluid replacement alone were numerous.  With bad absorption and minimal energy, this happens to many Crohn's patients.  I am especially  scared of this because of the timing of these such occasions.  I could be completely fine one minute, and the next be passing out with only the knowledge that I must make it to more water, and fast.  Luckily, after the first time that I visited the hospital for emergency fluids, I caught on and started carrying bottles with me to try and avoid such scenarios...  

While walking home from a friend's house last August, I started feeling very dizzy and eventually had to sit down on the sidewalk in Brighton.  Right in front of this building.

St Columbkille Church on Market St.

My cell phone was dying and my bottle of water was empty.  I called for a cab and made it home with enough umph to swig as much water as possible, then high-tailed it to Beth Israel Deaconess.  Turned out I had an even bigger problem, but the fainting spells were pretty regular for a while after that.

I have healed since then but gotten sick again, and I find myself with constant fear of running out of energy.  You put food in, and work it off.  It is your fuel.  But, when you're scared of putting the wrong kind of gas in the tank, you're reluctant to fuel at all.  This is stupid.  And it makes me angry and sad.  I want to feel good about food again more than anything in my life.  More than making my career something that I can be proud of.  More than planning for a move to the other coast in a couple of short years to start a new life with the man that I am in live with [though these things continue to give me the drive that I need when I am feeling whole enough to recognize them].  Depression is sinking in, and I am conflicted by my resentment for it and my almost readiness to succumb to it.  This thing is a slippery slope, but I am doing my best to keep my eyes focused on the light at the end of the tunnel.

I know that by the time I am well again, or I can at least hope it could be that soon, the Winter will be upon us.  The fun Summer activities that I had hoped to be more a part of this year will have fluttered through my fingertips yet again, but I do look forward to bundling up with my boys and hopefully being able to indulge in Holiday treats... sparingly, of course.

I am looking forward to breaking out all of those scarves again.  Hiding chicken sticks is easy with layers and snow pants!  And building up my legs through the cold months will work well for bike riding next Spring, my favorite season.  Winter clothing has always made me happy.  Soft fabrics and warmth in comfy, over-sized sweaters make me feel a sort of solace from the rest of the world.  I guess it is a small, cozy getaway.

I will be ready to face everyday activity again soon.  And even greater adventures... I just need to focus on finding the right ingredients for my energy stew.  I'll get my Mana back up.

[via adriana222]

YEAH, I said that. Shut up.