I finish my Prednisone treatment in 20 days. It has been a long time since the word 'Remission' was one that I could use proudly, as though it could be regarded as something I could actually get my little body close to. Through this ordeal, I have been sad, scared, mortified, poked and prodded, angry, and down right mean.
The only place I seem to have been finding solace in, is my bed.
During the afternoon, the sunlight that peeks through my bedroom window is gorgeous. Cosmo and I make it a point to be 'Sun Babies' for a little while everyday. We love any excuse to snuggle, and the vitamin D makes us feel gooood.
I have been struggling with the anxiety that I can only assume comes with entering remission of a chronic disease. I'm overjoyed to feel well again, to know that even if for just a short time, I'll have a sort of reassurance that, I'm 'okay'. But how long does that last? I hadn't been sick for years, and KA-POW-- I was thrown belly-first into the worst flare of my life. Does the fear of that happening again ever really go away? I'm a fighter. I know this. There are just always going to be a few things that scare the hell out of me.
Like the thought of having to dig that wheelchair out again.
I've started building back some confidence in body image. When someone with Crohn's Disease has a rough flare, they lose a lot of weight. Exercise is limited, if not totally halted, because even having energy to use is a frigging luxury. I was afraid of wearing dresses because I thought that my legs were too small.
Now I'm comfy with drawing attention to them with silly tights.
Those feelings of insecurity are still with me, but through the lovely winter, I will have the option to show a little skin in fun ways while being totally alright with bundling up. I do love my sweats. To think that I stayed indoors during my healing because I felt too 'sickly looking' to show my face around friends kills me. I never want to live that way again. Jumping back into a social scene is terrifying. I feel like I've lost any social skills I ever had prior to this flare. Bogus. There is a series of things that have got to be learned all over again.
So, I will continue to try and get myself back to the old me. The social, happy me. In work, and with the groups of lovelies that I have been blessed to have in my life.
My girlfriends have graduated college and started careers in the time that I was sick. They never stopped trying to get me to join our pals. I just couldn't. So now, in their adorable apartment, they do fun stuff like have Tupperware parties.
And I bring the handsome sap that surprises us with yummy snacks.
[Total Romantic.]
It will be tough to get myself back out there. Work options are slim, and confidence has dwindled, but I'll get back on the right track again soon. Either that or I've got plenty of skill in lounging... if anyone's looking for that sort of thing.
Ohh... and one more, VERY important thing.
Happy Birthday, Mama!! xxo
Have a great weekend!
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