Days like this, I don't know what to do with myself.
With every move I've been making in my very young professional life, I try to remember what the most important things are. I have every possible opportunity for growth right now. There are countless people in my life who will back me up in whatever I decide to do. No matter how comfy the scenario seems, I often struggle with finding the one thing I'll need to make the rest of these things glow together- creative energy.
They say that great artists steal. I feel like slightly jealous when I see someone else's work and it moves me. But, that's the idea, right? That's our purpose. To create and communicate what will move people, if only ourselves. I feel wonderful when I finish a project. Heck, I should probably use the word, 'if'. My point is, when I see other's work and it makes me feel anything, I wonder if I should be doing what I'm doing. How do I measure up? Will what I create effect others the way that some of the amazing stuff I've seen out there effects me? During times like these, I like to ask myself, 'What would Josh do?'. A friend from high school, Josh Signs was a born creative. He had a presence that just sort of stopped, and lightened every situation. He was a thinker, and always made his friends feel beautiful. Josh wanted to make movies, and after taking a moment to think about how he passed away during our very early twenties, I feel a guilty for not taking greater advantage of what's been given to me, and remember the fact that there's still time to make my own dreams come true. He'd probably laugh and tell me I'm ridiculous for wasting any of it.
It's normal to get down about yourself. As I explained, I do it on the reg, myself. After a few painful rounds in the self-doubt and personal destruction ring, I stop thinking about all that crap, turn on some 80's Madonna and find a few reasons to feel good about myself. After all, when you're happy, things happen.
Coming back from battling a serious illness though, there are plenty of emotional scars that can keep you from doing what brings a smile to your face. These scars can sometimes make you question your ability, and your purpose. I used to love going out with friends, now I can't stay out past 10pm without feeling as if I'm doing something wrong. I spent so much time paying attention to what might go wrong with my body, that it scared me into thinking that those bad moments were all there'd ever be. I'm definitely holding myself back from doing challenging work because I'm afraid I'll get sick again and have to stop. I worry so much about this, that I'm absolutely sure I've been overlooking what would otherwise bring me inspiration. it's vicious.
So, since I'm not ready to open all of my mind's windows and let the creative ideas fly on in, I've decided that I should try to find inspiration in what scares me.
Are you terrified of zombies? I'm sure some idiot started penning down his nightmares about them a decade back and his fears became one of the largest pop culture topics in years.
