After being sick for a while, I realized that getting better is sometimes harder than braving the flare. When you attempt to return to 'normal' life, the fear that you have of relapse can hinder you from achieving what you'd really like to. What you really need to. I am slowly noticing that with each small step that I decide not to take, I am losing the very strength that I had found so empowering during the dark days.
As I think about what it has taken me so long to rebuild, I recognize that there are so many different types of boundaries, or fences, that I allow myself to be confined by. Sabotaged by.
We've been there...
Some are marked by the places you've been, and keep out the idea that maybe they've made you who you are. It's looking back that reminds us just how much we've learned about ourselves, a tool necessary to move forward.
Maybe a few are designed to keep you safe while allowing you to take note that you can be involved in what surrounds you, or give you ideas for simply sliding over.
I'm quite certain that I've kept content in longing for the freedom to travel beyond where I've confined myself. Because yes, I did it to myself.
I've even allowed myself to take advantage of those who tried to break me out of the safe, far away place I had created for myself. I was so wrapped up, that I couldn't see them anymore.
Even when lovely thoughts had grown around my spirit...
I stayed behind my fence.
When I was shown countless signs to believe in myself, and the woman I had become--
I was too scared to see it.
Sometimes, I'm still really scared.
But, the signs will come.
And if I pay attention, I know that I'll find the vehicle to get me to where I want to be.
Home safely to the other side.
Where I can come and go as I please, knowing that when fences are needed, they'll be there.
But for now... I'm happy just knowing that I am brave enough to recognize the boundaries set by my sickness, and those that I create for myself.
Because courage is KEY.
And I've still got plenty of it.
No comments:
Post a Comment