On Standing Down

Adults make decisions. 

Granted, I live in America and a rather large number of decisions that I witness adults make are rather questionable, if not down right insane. But we're free, and encouraged, to create our own destiny, adventure, or whatever the hipster kids are calling it now. And we're so, so lucky to have that opportunity.

But what about when you've made yourself so informed of the potentially negative or painful results of one decision, rather than the possibility of a victorious outcome? 

OR, you've taken so much of what the people who love you have to say about what it is you should do, that you stop hearing your inner voice?

I'm smack in the middle of making the huge decision of whether or not to start a medication. And I've been here before.

I don't want to be this person anymore.

I'll be honest. The idea of becoming an anti-pharmaceutical crusader and fighting for the natural treatment of my disease and others was an enormous part of my heart for a long time. But I'm sick. And I'm tired. And I feel that if I don't do something soon, I'll be in the comfy wing of the hospital that I know so well, wishing I'd have listened to my doctor. Again.

And blaming her for it. Now, almost one year to the date that I started Remicade, I'm in the exact same place.

I don't want to give up trips, wonderful jobs, and the opportunity for what feels like a normal life. I don't want to hurt my relationships because I'm miserable, or lose parts of myself that I love so much because I'm too afraid to live my life... and I want to smile, feeling amazing and warm, with a baby in my belly. I have to take a leap of faith now and use my brain. I know what a desperate feeling it is to find relief from illness. I know it so well in fact, that I withheld it further from myself because I wanted that healing to come from a natural place. But there is nothing wrong with a band-aid.

If you take it off before it heals into your skin.

For fuck's sake, guys. When you feel it's time to do something, do it. I can always say, with acceptance and self-respect, that I tried.

Because in all actuality, if I don't follow my heart, the only person I'll be disappointing is myself.