I Don't.

This afternoon, I hauled my bones into the Hummer (yes, we've upgraded from the Van), to go with Michele to David's Bridal to assess her current Bridesmaid's Dress Situation.  A friend is getting married next month, and she is Maid of Honor.  Watching her plan for the event has been fun, but I have to admit that I'm more than a little happy that I'm not involved. 

We walked into the Bridal store, and were greeted by a gang of older women who were dressed to the nines in pantsuits of a shinier material and in full make up.  The room was full of colorful dresses.  Some were beaded, some strappy, and behind the Customer Service counter, two sales associates bickered.  I chose to find humor in that.

Michele spoke with an eager employee about the dress that she was looking for, and they walked back to where she could try it on and ask questions.  It was at this time, that I took it upon myself to walk around and eyeball some of these wedding gowns.  I used to love this stuff.  But, the more that I wandered, the more the uneasy feeling in my stomach grew.  I had anxiety.  

Oh my God.

As I walked further into the store's infinite maze of dress racks, I watched as young girls tried on gowns left and right. 

 I felt old.

  I was engaged at 19, called off my wedding at 21, returned the ring and skipped town a couple of years later.  That would-be husband married someone else, and I was given a new lease on my young life.  It was the hardest, yet most beneficial decision that I've ever made.  Yes, I lost a great deal of money through cancellations and return fees.  Yes, I had to let my family down a bit.  (They loved the life that I didn't choose...)  And I lost the financial security that came with being engaged to a man of, well... money.  Boatloads of money.  

These days, I am broke, sick, and have more friends in a new place than I ever could have imaaagined.  I kept the dog, and rebuilt what I thought I had abandoned back in Florida.  

I thought I'd be terrified to go it alone.  But I'm light years ahead of the girl I used to be.  Love just happens.  I'm comfy waiting, having the time of my life.  

And I wouldn't have it any other way.  

This post is dedicated to the memory of our beloved fish, Fluff.  

2010-2011, may he rest in peace.