Things Matt Damon Wouldn't Do

Given that my girlfriends are extremely intelligent with oodles of self respect, and may or may not have been burned a few times by gentlemen in the past, we have come up with some very basic Relationship Exit Strategy Theories.  We've all been dumped, broken up with, screwed over, and generally scarred by resentment and bitterness of being left like a half eaten 7-11 egg salad sandwich at least once.  These duckers have come up with some pretty creative ways to peace out.  Let's take a look...

The 'Deep Freeze'.

This maneuver takes place when someone doesn't seem to have an exit strategy.  We are made to think that we have done something wrong because their actions and attitude go from warm and seemingly loving, to cold as a box of crappily breaded fish sticks.  The object, is to make you as angry as possible so that you will do this person a favor- and break up with them, while you are made to think that you are a Superhero to Womankind for 'sticking up' for yourself. It is only after this takes place however, that you realize that you had been hoodwinked.

Bogus.

'Mr. Phase Out'

Ahh, the Phase Out.  Probably the most hurtful and confusing of the group.  This one takes some calculation and wiggle skill.  Rather than explain that feelings have fizzled, or may not have been there to begin with, this person continues to make ambiguous plans to see you or hang out.  (But  in reality, these meetings will never again take place.)   If you ask if something is wrong, they will deny it.  Hard.  And you are left with perplexed thoughts of what it was that you had done wrong to drive them away.  But you'll still continue to receive late night phone calls and drunk texts.  And you'll be happy about them.  It means they care enough to get a hold of you... right??  Wrong.

The 'Dukes Down' Approach

For absolute Cowards, though we are fooled into thinking that this plan of escape is actually polite.  Instead of being honest with you about your annoying laugh or maybe an unbearable, 'Say It, Don't Spray It' concern, this ducker claims that he/she is the troubled one.  A, 'We're just not in the same place...', or 'You're a way better person than I am', may be delivered as they text or continue to do whatever it is that they were doing before the conversation took place.  There is a present, 'No Skin Off My Back' feeling in the air.  And you wonder why being honest isn't the first thing to roll off their face-saving tongue.  You can roll your eyes now, you know what I'm talking about.

'No... Were Exclusive'

If you were trying to get us in bed, and you thought these words were gold, you may have been on to something.  If you used a variation of this term (I didn't say we were boyfriend/girlfriend), and it is your defense when caught with a slam-pig that you took home from the bar- you're a Class-A MORON.  Most of us are born with shit-sniffers.  Man up.

'The Incredible Disappearing Douche'

'Why isn't he/she returning my calls or texts?  Did it not go through?  Should I send it again?  Maybe they're just busy.  Oh God, what if they're with someone else?  But we just did it.  Is there something wrong with me?  

This is the mind-crumble that you wrap in invisible paper and slap a bow on, before you leave it in a razor blade-lined box at our feet.  

'The Juggler'

Really?  That's a pretty pair of women's undies draped over the back of your computer chair.  I'm 4 sizes smaller than that.  She's probably a sweet girl, though.  Complete with Daddy issues and a healthy sex drive.  Wouldn't want any of that pesky integrity or self-respect to get in the way.  Nice try, Douche Lord.  Matt Damon would never do this.

I'mma find myself a real man at the club tonight.  

Happy Saturday!