Recreation

There are few situations in which I get totally serious.

 Even when I am going through pretty intense Crohn's stuff, I tend to keep a silly grin on my face and crack as many fart jokes as possible.  However, when I have reason to pay attention and give respect to the things that are truly important, my attitude and drive to understand and listen are steady.  

Some pretty important things are going on in the lives of my loved ones.  My close friend Clay is expecting his first child, I found out this morning that a friend's family member [and one of the loveliest women I've met] is dealing with a very serious personal issue, friends all over are getting engaged or married... At our ages, it is Gut Check Time.  At ANY age, when things are unexpected or strange and different, it is Gut Check Time.  I use this phrase because when you're scared or unsure, I believe that your 'guts' will guide your way.  [Having Crohn's Disease leads me to think in terms of functional digestion as in life and stomach goals.] The point that I am trying to make, is that sometimes we are unable to pull ourselves from situations that we allow to swallow us.  We lose focus on what really matters, like the people that we are inside, or were once close to.  I am having the realization that it is possible that I have lost core values in some relationships that will never allow me to approach these important people in the ways that I was once able to.  

I spent some time in a not-so-healthy relationship.  Mutual physical and emotional abuse was no strange thing to me.  I allowed it, and I am not proud.  It actually become normal.  I chose to cut myself off from family and friends.  I lied on a regular basis to the ones that cared most for me, and alienated myself from mostly any social situation so that I could to keep painful secrets, because I was humiliated and ashamed to be honest.  Even my pup Cosmo was unhappy and scared, something that I will never forgive myself for disregarding.  I recently had a very intense conversation about personal issues in my life that didn't go exaaactly as planned, but that I decided to take boatloads away from and am actually very happy occurred.

Having spent the last year of my life

 [before meeting Steven almost six months ago] 

alone and sick, had shaped me in ways that many women can only read about.  I was truthful with the ones that I love about the things that had happened that I chose to keep under wraps for such a long time, I gained strength in also choosing to be honest with myself about what had actually gone down, and I discovered who I truly am.  I healed the part of me that needed to love itself.  And my resources were learned situations that I had to find within myself.  It took longer, yes; and I am worlds stronger for it, no matter the outlook of others.  All that we can do is share our stories and learn from one another, because if we don't... We'll never get through life with the grace and integrity that we should.  Our hearts are not simply made to beat for ourselves.  Any responsible adult, regardless of social class or education deserves to live this way.  It is one of the only truly rewarding things that we can grant ourselves.

Sometimes, we need to take a hard look in the mirror.  Sometimes, we need to shut up and listen.  And sometimes, we need to give ourselves the credit that we're due.  Because whether you're dealing with serious growing, as in creating a family, starting a life with someone new or even a path for yourself, or breaking down your own walls, you're incredibly strong for learning how to do so.  It doesn't matter if anyone else sees it.  It doesn't matter if that journey of growth takes two weeks, or two years.  

Love who you are.  Sick, young, old, accomplished, not yet as accomplished as you'd like to be, building, rebuilding, man, woman,  it doesn't matter.  You'll get to where you want to be.  And if you don't, you'll adapt, and create something different [even if it's not what anyone else had expected].  Just don't be afraid to live your life for yourself and the ones that you love.  Create lasting bonds with those who are interesting, respectful and worthy.  And hold these relationships at the highest points that you can.  It is the only way that this life is worth living.

Low residue diet starts tomorrow... and I will continue to keep you posted about this week's Colonoscopy!  Score!!