Double Agent

Has there ever been a time in your life that you remember living as a version of yourself? 

It's possible that some people may find this difficult to relate to [I'm jealous of and applaud those who do], but when we're going through something tough, sometimes we become so used to motion on autopilot, that we forget how to use our manual controls as the days start to get brighter. 

Years and years of full-of-shit song writers and Etiquette books have told us that we should, "Put on a happy face", "Smile, and the whole world smiles with us", and, "Don't cry on the subway in the middle of the afternoon". I personally think that this is all a load of crap. If you don't express what you feel, you'll end up sitting on it until it leaves a frowny face divot in one of your ass cheeks. Just not cute. Being polite is one thing, you definitely should NOT- under any circumstances- hurt anyone Hulk-style if they get in your way on an off day. However, if you don't let out your sniffles [or if you're a manly man and don't cry- your pent up aggression], faking that happy face can end up... not so much in your favor.

While I was sick, I started putting forth a version of myself that I wanted everyone else to see. Partly because I felt like I had to, and partly because I thought it might help to jump-start a little happiness in my life. Not that I faked any interests, friendships or intentions, but really now, how much of your vulnerable side do you let your semi-close friends see? What if your vulnerability is already all over the internet via Instagram or the dreaded Facebook? You want to be strong, right? You want your pals and acquaintances to have a good feeling when they're around you. And not spend time bogged down feeling bad for you. You want to feel inspiring, and inspired...

I'd better not be the only one guilty of this. 

But you may wake up one day and realize, "HOLY FUCK..." And I can use as many curse words as I want to, because I'm no longer with a publishing network and it feels wonderful, "I've been trying so hard to make everyone think that I'm THE STRONGEST PERSON ALIVE, that I've actually become weaker in the process". 

Let me make myself perfectly fucking clear:

Keeping up with appearances is a total waste of time. 

If you feel like crap, stay home. If your friends are putting together a party and you know you're going to feel anti-social, go to the library instead. Cry alone in your bedroom and line all the pillows you own up to punch in rapid succession. Most of the posts I write are instructional, but here's a secret: I write them for myself. So I can look back on them and take the advice that I listed months, or even years, before. I'll be honest- sometimes it's really fucking hard. I've gone months without writing- or even reading- because I knew that I just wasn't strong enough to address the resentment that I had for getting sick in the first place. The honest truth is that I still struggle with it. It's probably not something that will ever really go away, but I'm getting there. 

And these days, I'm not afraid of letting the world see that.

If you're feeling bat shit cray, or you just want to be negative for a while in your room- DO IT. Don't waste your energy trying to push that down into your super awesome depths. They'll just start rotting away. Explaining the smell to your friends and loved ones and trying to get them to stick around and ignore it is a lot more awkward than losing your strength sometimes and letting it be seen.

You beautiful idiot.

When To Stop Fighting

Once upon a time, there was a young girl who fell ill and ultimately lost everything. 

Over three years, the girl slowly regained the strength and mental clarity it took to give her life another healthy chance. What she didn't expect was an uphill, and often times negative battle more terrifying than knowing and learning to respect illness. And she became addicted to that battle. 

Unfortunately, fighting for a career and well being and the perfect romantic relationship is different from reasons behind fighting just to fight. It can be hard for the ones healing to keep this in mind.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO TRUCK THROUGH?! WHAT DOES REMISSION EVEN MEAN?? MAYBE I SHOULD START KICKING PUPPIES AND BABIES AND EVERYONE I LOVE  

because I don't remember how else to be and I CAN'T STOP TELLING MYSELF THAT EVERYTHING STILL HURTS."

This is one typical string of thoughts that people who used to be sick and aren't anymore have, even when they're feeling better physically. My body feels great, but the lists and lists of stressful things that normal, healthy people figure out how to balance out as they grow into fantastic, hysterical and wonderful adults feel more and more foreign to me with every cool story from healthy, well-adjusted friends. 

HERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN HELPING.

GOOD FRIENDS

[The kind that you don't mind letting sleep over after a night of too much wine.]


GOD DAMN THERAPY
Just go. Even if you've never been sick.

FUN.

I don't care if you get your jollies by flashing your neighbors... unless your my neighbor. In which case, bring it on. Just do things that are silly and amusing before letting yourself blow up or break down-- and don't worry about how you look whilst doing so. Here's the honest truth, baby: NO ONE wants to deal with roller coaster emotions, but if you MOVE YOUR ASS and don't look in the mirror before you do it, it may help. Really. If you feel like poop on a stick, you probably look like poop on a stick. Who wants to psych themselves up for awesomeness if they get all self-conscious and blah blah blah?? In fact, put your mirrors in storage. Life is about enjoying yourself- not what you look like when doing it. Something else? The happy people are the attractive ones.

GET YOUR ASS INSPIRED

[Gili, do you know about this bad bitch??]

EAT WELL

Please? 

DON'T JUST SIT THERE--

Go exercise. Jerk. Do you know how many people wish they could move their bodies, you sunnava bitch??!

DON'T WASTE TIME AROUND PEOPLE THAT DO ANYTHING BUT LIFT YOU UP.

I'm serious. Fuck that noise.

BE ONE WITH NATURE.

Run. Dance in the sun. Hike your face off. Screw staying inside. It will kill your spirit.

Being ready to make your life better takes commitment that you've probably never had to give before. You'll be your worst enemy. Not every day will be happy. People will piss you off, make you jealous, and test your newly found, happy and centered patience. You'll resent your friends, your family, your dog... and anyone who seems happier than you do. You'll learn more about yourself trying to change for the better than at any other point in your life. And you'll be one of those people who never shuts up about it.

I'm not quite there yet, but once I am...I hope I never do.

Dirty Laundry

So you've read a lot of personal information about a few people because they love building their blogs, yes?  I have, and I like that... sometimes. But, when someone goes through a great deal of shiiiit, it's hard for them to connect with real, live people about it. Hence, piece after piece of somewhat overwhelming information for a reader or two [or twenty] via the internet.

Mommy blogs go on and on about babies, toddlers, kids in general, and most of us who haven't gotten to that part of life yet don't know how to relate. Vegans and Fad Diet- Chasers are always on the lookout for healthy options in everything they do. I'm not enrolled in a Zumba class, but I'll give props to pals [or even Facebook acquaintances] who bust their asses publicly in an effort to nudge others in a similar direction.

The same understanding should go for healthy people who don't quite get chronic disease. To be fair here, who wants to think about painful situations? Who wants to see pictures of someone in a hospital? As remission is nearer and nearer for me, I'd like to stop thinking about Crohn's Disease entirely. The fact is, I can't. It's with me for the rest of my life. And if I'm receiving thankful e-mails from readers whom I've never met that commend me for sharing painful stories of my journey, those are the reasons I keep in mind when continuing to pen this crap down. 

I believe that if you truly give attention to other people's struggles, it will make you a better and more humble person. Perusing forums and Crohn's blogs has been a fairly large part of my life for the last while now, but I'm not offended if someone thinks this blog is lame. I don't care if even the people that I know are too uncomfy to read it. Getting the masses to sign on to follow my life was never my intention in starting Stale Cabbage. I thank the friends that do read, but I feel it may be necessary to voice that I write for myself, to document my sickness, and to reach out to others who are suffering from super scary things that have also touched my spirit.

I appreciate support from any direction it comes from. And if you disregard something that I write, that's okay. I am not preoccupied with the amount of "likes" or "views" I get. I'm simply happy to have you visit and if we're lucky, walk away with some insight and a chuckle or two.

The more and more we lose ourselves in technology, the less and less we see what's around us. I'm going to do what I can to stay happy, and that means continuing to blab on about my disease. Whatever you do, I hope that you do it because you want to, not because it will go over well with our online community.

Be The First To Laugh

When you're having one of those heinous weeks, and think things couldn't possibly make you feel worse, you should always remember that they have the potential to turn completely around. I've seen this phenomenon many times in my life. I'm not sure if the universe is doing me a solid by helping scoot me along and throwing me some good when I feel like garbage, but I'll certainly take it.

I wrote my last post before I was paid fair value for some really fun illo work, had just found an old letter from my father, and discovered life with a new job that I may already be in love with.

Every time I get super low, I try to remember the U-Turn Phenomenon [or, UTP]. When I'm bumming, I never seem to recall that in every other bad and uncomfy time, I've seen it all turn around. The same wonderful phenom likely rears it's head when you're least expecting it, too. Feeling down, well, it sucks. And when you're in a depressed mood, the last thing you want to hear is some idiot on a rant about how 'it'll be okay'. But shut up, alright? I'm about to drop some insight.

I have friends who are still sick with Crohn's. It never goes away, but when we're in remission is when we totally forget everything that we had just powered through. And who could blame us? I don't want to dwell on how embarrassing it was to be an adult and experience regular accidents, or recall painful and [again] embarrassing procedures. Here's the thing though- when those embarrassing things happened, who do you think was the first person to laugh? ME. If you beat everybody else to the punch by giggling about some crap [ha] that you can't help anyway, you'll be surprised at how much you can actually change the situation. You avoid looking bad by shedding light on the poop in a way that says, 'Hey, I'm sick. And here's how I'm going to handle it', rather than, 'Hey, I'm sick. Feel bad for me, because I'm too wrapped up in how sad I've become to look at this with any sort of positive thinking'. 

Here's my point, and you don't have to know illness to understand it. When your life shits it's pants, shimmy out of those pants and put on some sweats. It's an excuse to wear sweats, and NO ONE will judge you for putting on something comfy after dealing with what was just super unpleasant. You might actually get a few pats on the back. The only thing you've got to promise me is that you'll take a look at the mess at your feet, and choose to skip over it after making a joke -without crying- and wait for the UTP.

Don't cry over poop-filled pants. 

On Being Genuine

Hello, you.

Today I'm going to talk about relationships, and how to make sure that you're putting your most honest foot forward. We've all got friend, friend of friend, family, love, frenemy, and work relationships. Are you the same you for all of them? Or do you have different masks for each?

A good friend of mine explained to me the other night that she regularly watches just how different her friends are in separate interactions with others. After our conversation, I realized that I may have a few masks of my own. There's Networking Event Ali, Sick Game Face Ali, and Yeah, I Was Totally The One Who Farted In The Elevator But Will Continue To Deny It Ali, to name a few. 

The best way to form healthy relationships and keep them that way, is to throw the idea that you have to be anyone other than yourself, right out the window. When you meet someone, it doesn't matter what you're wearing, or how far you are in your career. It's about how you connect with that person on an honest and respectful plane. What comes from truthful and excited interaction can end up becoming a beautiful relationship, work related or not.

Are you close with your family? GET close. They're the only ones who will see you at your worst and continue to love you like they hadn't.

Those are probably the most valuable words that I'll ever be able to give. You can't change blood. And even if you stop talking for a bit, under the anger or frustration, there is always one constant: Love. Your family won't lie to you about what your faults are, so if you feel unsure about how you're coming across, ask someone who you're related to if there's something you can do better. Trust me, even if you don't want to hear it, those words will be astoundingly helpful as you continue to grow as an individual.

***On that note, thank you, Sam. I WAS a heinous bitch to that girl in the subway a few weeks ago. 

Work relationships. They're easy to let become solely business interactions. I think that sucks. Did the guy you worked with that one time just start a family? He was pretty neat, right? Send him a card. You'll feel good, he'll feel good, and it shows others that what you do isn't who you are. 

Friends of friends are fun. They trust that your mutual pal is a good judge of character, so you've already got your in. As long as you don't get drunk at their Halloween party and pee in their broom closet, you should be able to keep that impression. Not to mention, if you trust your friends, the people that they choose to keep in their lives will have the chance to end up long-standing pals of yours in your future. Don't start that relationship with any jealousy or bitterness, like if they were the ones to see The Hunger Games with said mutual friend instead of you, JIM.

I don't have any Frenemies. The one person to have hated my guts in all of my years, that I can think of, is Caryn Moskal, in middle and high school. And she continues to be one of the prettiest girls I've known in real life. 

To sum things up, BE YOURSELF.

Haters gonna hate, real recognize real, and don't worry if you think that you're not good enough. You are. 

Shoot, I bet you're cooler than you know.

It's Okay Not To Be Okay

To Whom It May Concern:


It's come to my attention that I am unbearably, and undeniably, unhappy. There have been few things lately that make me feel as though I have something to be proud of myself for. After spending so much time wondering what things would be like if I'd ever come out of so many terrifying Crohn's flare moments, it's almost gotten old for me to try for it.  Pieces of me sort of don't even care anymore. Small things that made me so happy seem so difficult to do. Objects are heavy. My body doesn't work like it used to. People are at such faster paces than I am. I don't speak when I'd like to. I resent anyone and everyone for what their abilities are that mine don't- and won't- hold a candle to. I think that I've actually started to hate things. 


I'm writing about this because I should. Because when you're this down, but you still have hundreds of reasons to be happy, you should let your feelings out in words that will prove to benefit you when you decide to read them back to yourself. To say to that sad, weak you, 'So you started over and it was a hell of a lot harder than you thought it was going to be. What are you crying about? You're alive'. I've learned a great deal about myself by exercising this method of therapy. Though I still harbor ill feelings about a lot of people, things, and situations -most of which, do not deserve my shitty judgement. 

I know how hard building my life is going to be. I get small tastes of it everyday. There really is no greater struggle than a struggle within yourself. I'm incredibly angry about what's happened to me. I want to find someone to blame. I want to blame everyone. I'm finally ready for my body to start feeling better, but I forgot how much it used to do. I can't even ride a bike yet. It will take me, I don't know how long, to even get up a hill. I guess I know one thing- after all the peddling I'm about to do, the breeze at the top better feel fucking amazing.


Rant over.


Will someone come over with cookies now?

Picnic Day!

The weather in Boston has been lovely this month. Sunshine and cool breezes make afternoons super comfy, and last weekend was a great time to soak them in.

Steven and I packed some lunch and headed down to a park on the Charles River. We munched on veggies and sat in the sun with Cosmo. He loved running with other dogs and was happy to play with the children that jumped and giggled by the water. Pretty cute.

[Keeping watch over our blanket]

A day outside when you're on the road to recovery can boost things into the right direction, especially if you're with people you love. I've always found sunshine to be healing, and I absolutely love having my pup by side while I bask in it. 


Being out and about is a personal fav, but the moving and shaking definitely 
tuckered some of us out.

What's one thing you'd love to do this Spring?

Take Time To Make Time

I'm learning, a lot later than most I'm sure, just how valuable the time I spend alone can be. I like venturing out on my own, having date days with myself, and taking time to think about what truly makes me happy. I haven't been able to reflect as clearly through these roughest parts of my sickness, and it's kept me from learning myself. Maybe I more was focused on being silly, trying not to let myself get too serious because I was secretly very scared of my disease. I kind of felt I didn't need to know more than that just then.

 Shutting down other areas of my life because something I'm 

dealing with is tough? Preposterous. Those neglected little parts really suffer! I'll

 never let that happen again.

Coming out of a terribly rough patch in health [or really any harder life situation that sets you back], you rediscover new things about your personal tastes. A lot of things. It feels pretty amazing.

Turns out, I really like reading. I never put time into learning new things when I was younger. I was way too interested in what movies were coming out, and what Britney Spears wore to the VMAs. Supah lame. These days, gimme anything and I'll read it.

I'm too sexy [slash, not sexy enough] for my hat. Or my jacket. Or my left shoe. I was never really a fashion forward type gal. Comfy sweats or hoodies did me very well. Now that I'm a little older, and have had oodles of time to blogstalk fashion writers, I'm really interested in trying to recreate what I see, but on a sickie's budget.

Keiko Lynn is a personal fav.

I also discovered that I really enjoy crossword puzzles. Go on and make fun of me. Pfft. 

I LOVE MUSIC. 

Live music is wonderful, and I had the chance to see a really great show last weekend. Well, most of a show. I was spent by the third quarter and had to head home... But getting out and being part of a live music experience is something that I forgot meant so, so much to me.

Have you heard of Jason Anderson?? His shows are so intimate, so lovely... He draws you in and forces you to participate by clapping, singing along, and is quick with a joke or two. Simply awesome.

Exploring is fantastic! I've had more energy lately to see the parts of Boston that I hadn't yet invested time in, and so far, I love it. I am proud to live here. So many medical and technological advances have been made here, among tons of other cool historical happenings.  I'm excited to know that there's even more to learn about in pretty much any part of this city.

We took a Duck Tour through Boston last weekend! 

Okay, so I wasn't alone. But a lovely date day was needed, and we had a blast! ;D

 I know now just how much it's worth to hear my own voice, and I hope you do, too. Even if you're tone def, it feels good to get loud sometimes.  Your friends will understand. I don't see any of them on American Idol.

Zing.

Represent, Represent.

Are you proud of who you are?

These days, I am feeling better and better, but am still so terrified of starting over. I never know if when I start something, I'll have to call it quits because of a Crohn's flare. It makes things super difficult and can really be a blow to the ego. What I am happy about, is my ability to stay passionate about the things that I believe in, and who I am as a person. Not everyone feels that way, and it has taken me a long while to get here.

Yesterday, I received my transcript information from Edison College in Fort Myers, Florida. I sent away for it last week so I could set up a meeting with an Academic Adviser at BHCC, here in Boston. I'm excited to see what I can do to further my education, because after being set back for so long, learning is something that I long for. My medications have made it extremely difficult to retain information, and these days I find myself nodding along with people in conversation with very little to contribute.


And sometimes, I feel absolutely stupid. 


I could go on thinking that I'll be fine when I'm finished with steroids, and trust that people in my life know what's going on [or not going on] in my mind... But you can never expect anyone to understand exactly what's happening with you. We've been over that, post after post. I've learned to voice what's up to new pals. I let people know if, when I'm speaking, I'm all over the place in my mind. It helps them to better understand me, and it eases tension that I bring upon myself. I don't feel like an idiot when I'm being honest, because I am being the most true version of myself that I can be. People really appreciate that.


Showing others what you acknowledge can be strengthened within yourself does not mean showing weakness.


Say what you mean, mean what you say, and always remember why the things you believe in are special to you. And if you forget why, go look it up again. It seems as though I'm always researching what I talk about. It's getting annoying, but at least I can spend more time figuring out what yummy foods to shove in my mouth rather than pulling out my own foot outta there.