Dirty Laundry

So you've read a lot of personal information about a few people because they love building their blogs, yes?  I have, and I like that... sometimes. But, when someone goes through a great deal of shiiiit, it's hard for them to connect with real, live people about it. Hence, piece after piece of somewhat overwhelming information for a reader or two [or twenty] via the internet.

Mommy blogs go on and on about babies, toddlers, kids in general, and most of us who haven't gotten to that part of life yet don't know how to relate. Vegans and Fad Diet- Chasers are always on the lookout for healthy options in everything they do. I'm not enrolled in a Zumba class, but I'll give props to pals [or even Facebook acquaintances] who bust their asses publicly in an effort to nudge others in a similar direction.

The same understanding should go for healthy people who don't quite get chronic disease. To be fair here, who wants to think about painful situations? Who wants to see pictures of someone in a hospital? As remission is nearer and nearer for me, I'd like to stop thinking about Crohn's Disease entirely. The fact is, I can't. It's with me for the rest of my life. And if I'm receiving thankful e-mails from readers whom I've never met that commend me for sharing painful stories of my journey, those are the reasons I keep in mind when continuing to pen this crap down. 

I believe that if you truly give attention to other people's struggles, it will make you a better and more humble person. Perusing forums and Crohn's blogs has been a fairly large part of my life for the last while now, but I'm not offended if someone thinks this blog is lame. I don't care if even the people that I know are too uncomfy to read it. Getting the masses to sign on to follow my life was never my intention in starting Stale Cabbage. I thank the friends that do read, but I feel it may be necessary to voice that I write for myself, to document my sickness, and to reach out to others who are suffering from super scary things that have also touched my spirit.

I appreciate support from any direction it comes from. And if you disregard something that I write, that's okay. I am not preoccupied with the amount of "likes" or "views" I get. I'm simply happy to have you visit and if we're lucky, walk away with some insight and a chuckle or two.

The more and more we lose ourselves in technology, the less and less we see what's around us. I'm going to do what I can to stay happy, and that means continuing to blab on about my disease. Whatever you do, I hope that you do it because you want to, not because it will go over well with our online community.

Flutter Moment

My Mom is the best.

She's strong, funny, independent, a blast to be around, and knows her stuff about how to be a wonderful person.  She's in an amazing new phase in her life, and I'm super proud.  I don't pay enough attention to the force that she is, and I am beyond grateful to know her, let alone be made up of some of her genes [even if she is way more tan than I am].

I miss you, Ma.  Thanks for inspiring me so much.  I'll be home as soon as I can.

Do you think you could have some grub waiting, and maybe an empty washer/dryer?

Third Annual Bean-iversary

It was three years ago today, that I boarded a Boston-bound plane, with a backpack and a puppy... to chase my dreams and grow into an amazing woman.  I think I'm finally getting there.

Cosmo sat in his 'house' under my feet in the cabin of the plane.

  I held my hands in my lap.  And we cried.

I received this journal from my dear friend Hua on my 23rd birthday.  I have kept it close to me since then, adding to it my proudest adventures, lessons learned, and my 'flutter moments'.  I remember what I wrote on the plane that day.

12-31-2007

Boston Hard Candy

A jump will be scary.  A leap, terrifying.  Small hops are enough when you don't know what it is you're missing.  But when you get that taste- the kind that doesn't leave your mouth without a swish of something that stings, can you ignore your heart and not chase it?  Can you let it fade away after time and obligation, like a round piece of hard candy that you'll slowly lick into non-existence?  I always used to hide them in the side, right here in my cheek.  Or wait to open the wrapper until the time was right.  But when the time came and passed, I'd always come to find that piece of candy somewhere in the bottom of my purse, hangin' out with the loose change and lint balls.  Eventually, most ignored hard candy makes it to the garbage, with it's dirty wrapper and forgotten moment... And you're always a little angry that you didn't eat it when you had the chance.  I want to jump at this chance.

This is the first apartment that I lived in.  

I had my first snowball fight here, my heart broken here, and learned the true meaning of friendship.

Before I had left Florida, I was managing a Bath & Body Works store in Sanibel (wasn't as thrilling as some would imagine). I met a woman that I haven't seen or heard from since.  She gave me wise words and a quote by Henry David Thoreau.  And she hasn't a clue how she's affected me.

" We must walk consciously only part-way toward our goal, and then leap in the dark to our success."

I had the beginnings of a plan, but wasn't sure about the details.

This move just seemed more and more right.

I had planned to drive my little green car to Massachusetts after the first of the year.  Then, it died.  I decided to put my things into bins and leave them in my family's garage.  I left everything.  It wasn't until a year and a half later, that I opened those boxes again.  

Meanwhile, I started a life for myself here in Boston.

  The ticket from my first Celtics game, my first show in Boston (Eclectic Collective & Slick Rick), a postcard from the first bar that I worked in (Big City <3),  the ticket from my first trip to the Museum of Fine Arts, and my trusty subway schedule.

I've done some amazing things here.  I've pushed myself.  I loved and lost.  Hard.   I've learned self-respect and  strength in solidarity.  I lived alone.  I ran.  And ran and ran.

I gave myself something that I deserved.

Because I lived through a few of the most difficult times of my life

Friends were sent to me by the truck load.  I met some of the most positive influential (men and) women anywhere.

[There are SO many more of them]

I HAD A CROHN'S RELAPSE.  AND I BEAT IT.

I kissed boys. 

A lot of boys.  

(And we don't have enough room here to get into it.)

I reconnected with my REAL love.

I worked my ass off.  I started cooking.  I fell in love with Yoga & Pilates.

I SANG.

I get to start performing with The Deep in January 2011!

When I moved here, I met ME.  It was worth every moment that I knew real struggle.

I've spent time with my fantastically tacky family, and got to go to concerts that made me feel ALIVE.  I've argued with cops, lost things in cabs, rode trains (I'm still not over how cool they are.)  I found what I was looking for.  And it's just the beginning.  

Happy New Year!