They say where one grows, the other doesn't fall from. I call bullshit.
When someone mentions Father's Day, I'm usually uncomfortable enough to ease into another topic very quickly. I have a few great dudes to look up to, don't get me wrong. My uncle Eric is my godfather, and he's awesome. My World Series of Poker-playing gramp is the man, and I can call my step-dad up anytime and gab about anything from video games to menstrual cramps [really]. These cool guys aside, I am estranged from my biological father.
I have the mindset to run from anything that hurts. Even after so many years without a solid relationship with my dad though, I'm still not used to the fact that he couldn't be what he should have. I find it difficult to understand how it's possible for anyone who becomes a parent to not want to drop everything they're doing and do right by their little one. I guess he tried when I was small, according to family, but I can't remember that far.
I have plenty of friends who are children of divorce, and we all turned out alright. Some are like me, and don't talk to one of their parents at all. We probably know enough to get out of situations that we'd rather not bring children into, at the very least. I consider that to be pretty valuable, because I can look to a good man like my boyfriend and expect nothing but smiles if we have babies together. If you know Steven, you will agree. Still, there's this guilt in me. Almost as if- even though I know that I didn't do anything wrong- I should still go to my father and let him know that I carry a loyalty to him.
More bullshit. That feeling just isn't fair.
At this point, reconciliation is a fairy tale. I've come too far after getting sick to waste time stressing about it, and that sucks... But I simply can't afford it. I'm building a career, and finally healing from a monster sickness. I wonder if he even knows that.
I'm not quite sure why I'm even posting this now. I haven't been able to find my way for what feels like lifetimes. I wish I had my dad to show me the right way. I wish he knew the right way. And I wish that I wasn't so angry that he never has.
