Freshly Squeezed Jerk

Sometimes, rolling with the punches is the last thing you feel like doing. If you become angry about a situation you find yourself in, it may take a bit to talk yourself out of being a jerk and just deal with it. Your face puckers when you get a lemon chucked at your grill- and absolutely no one expects you to smile about shitty news or the promise of super hard work, but there are ways that you can turn things around without gagging on that lemon rind. You've just got to tell yourself to shut it, and accept your new challenge with a brave little grin.

For example, two days ago I had a colonoscopy to see where I am in my Crohn's healing. The results weren't what I'd been hoping for, and I was super pissed. Remission isn't in sight. I cried on the drive home, and even argued with Steven about treatment options that I still want no part of. I had completely ignored that I triumphed in another scary situation, and simply shrugged off the fact that the new images of my guts were heaps healthier this time than they were less than a year ago.

After the initial anger, and the very humbling realization that I was acting like a turd, I decided to change something about this new batch of sadness; come at it with an even stronger knowledge than I had before. I took how much I learned during the last go-round for granted, and upon that shameful hiccup, vowed to get back to the basic, positive understanding of life with my disease that I spent so much time honing.

I shot down to the library, picked up some books on chronic disease, rebuilding your life, and relationship mending, and got to work.

I started making notes. I laughed, cried, fell asleep on one of the books and drooled on it's spine. I spoke out loud to myself as I found "ah-ha" moments. I cried again. Needless to say, Cosmo thinks I'm ridiculous.

I don't want to be a jerk anymore. I'm ready to let go of my anger, and speak out to friends and family the way I used to. I want my life back.

It's funny how sometimes you've got to feel the fear of losing it to get your jump-start. Though, I'm not scared. This time I'm making hard lemonade.

Taking My Squirrely Time

How does one hit the ground running?

I'd like to spend my days working, seeing pals, creating a massive sculpture of an Iguanodon or even running again.  After being so sick, I must work slowly to get back into any routine that will require too much energy.  The question in my mind right now is, 'What will I do while I'm waiting around for the strength?'. 


I've been thinking about this for so long, and I feel like when I get a super awesome idea, I remember how long each step will take... and I get discouraged.  Seriously, all I HAVE is time.  Steven is away on biz, [shooting for Chrysler!] and while he's gone I am taking some time to research my options.  I found a therapist who works with folks with chronic illnesses, hooked up with a couple of new doctors that check in on me while my GI Specialist is away on maternity leave, and have a gym membership to rebuild my little body.  I think it will be fun to add little things into my routine every once in a while, too.  My Remicade treatments are going okay so far [aside from some semi-routine complications], and I feel my symptoms being frightened away little by little.  If it works, I'll be steroid-free in a few months and receiving my infusions every 8 weeks.  After some months of this routine, I might be able to think about going back to school.  Mayyybe.  Working in Veterinary Care is something that I've waited to look into for a very long time.
What's another year?  


Base jumping will have to wait.  I've ordered my flying squirrel suit and having my name embroidered name on the chest takes six weeks, anyway.