Healing, It Hurts

When someone with a chronic illness glimpses remission, It's sort of like what most people would expect- a super joyous, exciting and wonderful feeling that, for an instant, washes away any terrifying thought of what it had been like to be sick and waiting for such a day. Some sickies wait years for this feeling, stuck beneath the rest of the world, and I myself am no stranger to it. But what's it like when you're actually in the thick of healing? When you hit the layer of dirt jusssst beneath where the sun shines on the surface? 

Some unlucky and very brave individuals know that there's a roller coaster jammed into that layer. And a tilt-a-whirl. And I can't tell you how many other suspiciously, unsafe-looking pieces of crap machinery there are, meant to confuse the fuck out of anyone on their way back up. 

Fortunately, there are ways to cope with this ridiculously bogus and unfair part of healing. But, it still hurts. You find yourself again when you're body is better, but what no one tells you, is that if you've been sick for an extended period of time, that person you've been waiting to meet again quite possibly may have never ditched his or her unsavory character flaws or deep-seeded issues. Fighting the good [sick] fight turns any wimp into a stallion, but if there were things in there like emotional or psychological issues that were never addressed, the person in the mirror looks less like your old self, and much more like a rhinoceros. I'm not sure why I used rhinoceros there, another part of healing is growing back into your brain's comfy cognition. Never mind the slough of issues that had developed while you were sick. So, what's the best way to heal with your bad self while navigating through your new and exciting life?

Let's start with a basic How-To:

[Unfortunately for you, I never tire of these]

Be Up Front

When you can't remember making plans with friends, or even to be in contact with them, or that you were supposed to keep someone's pregnancy a secret, or you forgot your Goddaughter's birthday, or you went ahead and cried into your pizza for no good reason in front of a bunch of townies at a favorite dive bar and totally freaked out your dude, or that you know you'll DEFINITELY not be participating in any of these online challenges, SAMANTHA, be honest with the people around you regarding why. Staying home and crying to your Puffins cereal is VERY okay. Just make sure you're getting the point across that you care. And you know, write things down once in a while. 

Know When to Call It

Think you might be too emotional about seeing people that you used to, or attending a party similar to those before you were sick, or that you're just not feeling a snug sesh with your ladyfriend or fella? Say so. If these people are worth their salt, they'll attempt to practice understanding, and you won't end up in a ball on the floor three hours later, regretting you left your house.

Apologize for Hiding

Remission means an ebb and flow to how comfortable you are around others. Some days, I just can't do much more than lay around and reflect on how different my life has become in the last year, since reaching remission. Yes, I'm sob/laughing and having full-blown conversations with my dog/ pain management specialist. For me, sometimes that's just necessary to getting through those moments. 

Apologize to [and forgive] Yourself

This is your own. 

But I choose Kung Fu and those orange gummies with the terrible sugary coating. 

When You Need Help, GET HELP 

Save us the time here and just do it, please. It'll be spotty, and you'll blow it off because remembering is painful. But the only way through it, is THROUGH it. Personally, I've been exploring what it's like to have never been diagnosed with a fierce case of ADD. Turns out all of those "attempts" at things make a whole lot more sense, and I'll be better for even trying to understand why. Countless apologies and my incessant thoughts of unwished happiness for wonderful occasions, unfinished collaborations, and never-done favors are something that I'd like to extend to so many people that I care about. 

I sometimes want to tell people who I know are sick, that the journey is so much more than reaching the point that I've gotten to. I understand that communicating something like this should, and does, come with such deep feeling for every individual's experience here. Crohn's Disease both ruined, and saved parts of me. I couldn't be the woman I am right now if I never got sick. I don't regret or hold bitterness for my body. Letting go of that has made this journey much lighter, but I am, and will be continuing uphill for probably longer than I'm anticipating or giving credit for. I can't give much more advice on how to move faster or lessen the load, as I'm still figuring it out. I just want anyone else in the same place on the trail to know that they're not alone. 

If I May

Since it's gotten nicer and nicer outside, and the sun has given me more happiness than I've had in quite some time, I'm in a super excited and silly place. There are so many people wearing flip flops and dresses in the city, so many smiling couples and pups out with families in this awesome weather. It seems as though the fresh breeze is carrying bits of happy around and letting it fall on us just when we each really need it. And it's about damn time.

After the bombing last month during our beloved Boston Marathon, there's been a stillness in the city. People have been unsure of how relaxed to let themselves become. Though we've given a sigh of relief after suspects were caught or killed, we still hurt for what happened... and many people question the tragedy. There are tons of unreliable sources spewing what they think we should believe through the sharing of their websites and photographs. It's maddening. I think we deserve some beautiful freaking weather, and a fresh season.

But there is one absolutely terrifying thing about this month.

May is National Irritable Bowel Disease Awareness Month. That's actually wonderful- far from terrifying. But it's the month that I, along with countless others, was initially diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. The change of seasons can wreak havoc on an autoimmune disease, and many people start to flare when the weather gets nicer. It's a crap shoot, but it's our job to try and find things to be happy about everyday. If we don't, we run the risk of getting sick and becoming super miserable. The positive vibes you give yourself are in direct correlation with how good you feel.

If you've got blood running through your veins, you've got the opportunity to make your time on this planet worth something. Even if you're sick. Especially if you're sick.

Make a plan.
Show your teeth.
Grab happiness by the nape of it's neck, and make it your own.

Sometimes even a well-deserved, gorgeous new start is scary. The truth is, people with a lifetime sickness never stop working. Ever. Being on your toes is something that becomes second nature, but can hurt... so we've got to make sure that we're well-rounded in our activity, knowledgeable of our conditions, and willing to sacrifice a lot of things that mean very much to us. At least, for the next few months anyway, we can fight, fight, fight with our toes in the sand and our faces in the sunlight.

You can turn a shitty situation into an opportunity to help others. And to help yourself.
Every moment is what you make it. 

Don't ever let a doctor tell you otherwise.

Faking It 'Til You Make It

I know an accomplished artist or two who have let me in on a very valuable secret. This secret comes from years of hard work and real-world art experience. It makes the journey of self-discovery something you actually want to share. 

When I have the energy, I work as much as I can toward goals that I set for myself with my art work. Sometimes it can be hard to connect with people who are in a much more seasoned place than I am, and that's okay. I spent a lot of time being sick and missing out on the opportunities that may very well have kick-started my career. I try not to dwell on that- which is hard when I see someone crank out beautiful work like they're part robot... but, my favorite thing about any struggle I've known is that it always came with hope for success, even if that hope might have been microscopic at the time. A large part of that hope came from artist pals who taught me to fake it 'til I make it. 

That was the secret. Did I set that up right?

[one of the sweetest gifts I've been given]

 It isn't that I think we aspiring full-time artists aren't as valuable as those wo have gone balls to the wall freelance, I just keep thinking that when you hit a certain point in your career, you feel like you've gotten somewhere. Even if that somewhere is simply financial stability. Which is huuuge! I don't expect to be selling out gallery shows anytime soon, but I do like that people don't mind looking at the crap I draw while they eat their sandwiches in cafes in Boston. For now.

There are small ways to "fake" certain things that can be worth while learning experiences for when it's time to apply all of your MacGyvering to what you might think is the real deal. Turns out though, you'll quickly find that allll those small steps are the real deal. And the more you take, the larger you'll realize they are. Get those free business cards from Vistaprint. Start an online portfolio, even if it's a blasted Tumblr page. Mine is. And don't be scared to push or peddle your work!

For instance, I wanted to sell my work online for a really long time. I was pretty scared, considering how many of the people in my circle are celebrated artists. But I started to disconnect from online personas and paid more attention to why I liked so much of what they do. Nothing seemed as if it was  being done for anyone else, and that's the heart of where my work comes from. I decided to make myself a light box and photograph the shit out of a few small pieces that I made.

[You can Google how to do basically anything nowadays...]

Guess WHAT?? It was easy.

Really. Freaking. Easy.

The best part was how really freaking happy it made me. I encourage you to push yourself to do something that scares you, too. After seeing those small pieces on Etsy, selling some, and finding people tweeting about and pinning them, I felt like I could do anything. [Even though most of my support came from friends and family- they count, too!]

I want to get one thing straight. Faking it -to me- does not mean talking to people about how much you know about art. It does not mean pretending to be something you aren't to gain interest in work that you think other people want to see.

My faking it, was convincing myself that I had the grapes to do something I was afraid of, as if there would be no crowd response. Once I ditched a lot of my fears, I was able to jump through the steps that have started a teeny biz. That's just the tip of the iceberg, because once you start, the real key is to keep going with your work as if you hadn't just posted the last thing you finished. Guess we should get busy, right? And I've got much more time since I stopped giving a chocolate chip what anybody thinks of it. That's the truth.

 And really, if I'm faking anything these days, it's when I pretend I'm not the person in the room that just farted.

Flutter Moment

Last week, I went to the Museum of Natural History on Harvard's campus in Cambridge. I can't remember the last time that I took the initiative to seek out something new to do. This solo time was incredible. [I do have an irrational fear of stuffed, beastly animals and insects that I've developed over the years though, so I baby-stepped my way around the building.]

And holy shnikies, it was rad. It was on the cheap end of the Boston-Tourism-Will-Put-You-In-Debt Spectrum and the children all over the place made for tons of silly fun for awkward adult me.

You should go!

Freshly Squeezed Jerk

Sometimes, rolling with the punches is the last thing you feel like doing. If you become angry about a situation you find yourself in, it may take a bit to talk yourself out of being a jerk and just deal with it. Your face puckers when you get a lemon chucked at your grill- and absolutely no one expects you to smile about shitty news or the promise of super hard work, but there are ways that you can turn things around without gagging on that lemon rind. You've just got to tell yourself to shut it, and accept your new challenge with a brave little grin.

For example, two days ago I had a colonoscopy to see where I am in my Crohn's healing. The results weren't what I'd been hoping for, and I was super pissed. Remission isn't in sight. I cried on the drive home, and even argued with Steven about treatment options that I still want no part of. I had completely ignored that I triumphed in another scary situation, and simply shrugged off the fact that the new images of my guts were heaps healthier this time than they were less than a year ago.

After the initial anger, and the very humbling realization that I was acting like a turd, I decided to change something about this new batch of sadness; come at it with an even stronger knowledge than I had before. I took how much I learned during the last go-round for granted, and upon that shameful hiccup, vowed to get back to the basic, positive understanding of life with my disease that I spent so much time honing.

I shot down to the library, picked up some books on chronic disease, rebuilding your life, and relationship mending, and got to work.

I started making notes. I laughed, cried, fell asleep on one of the books and drooled on it's spine. I spoke out loud to myself as I found "ah-ha" moments. I cried again. Needless to say, Cosmo thinks I'm ridiculous.

I don't want to be a jerk anymore. I'm ready to let go of my anger, and speak out to friends and family the way I used to. I want my life back.

It's funny how sometimes you've got to feel the fear of losing it to get your jump-start. Though, I'm not scared. This time I'm making hard lemonade.

Dirty Laundry

So you've read a lot of personal information about a few people because they love building their blogs, yes?  I have, and I like that... sometimes. But, when someone goes through a great deal of shiiiit, it's hard for them to connect with real, live people about it. Hence, piece after piece of somewhat overwhelming information for a reader or two [or twenty] via the internet.

Mommy blogs go on and on about babies, toddlers, kids in general, and most of us who haven't gotten to that part of life yet don't know how to relate. Vegans and Fad Diet- Chasers are always on the lookout for healthy options in everything they do. I'm not enrolled in a Zumba class, but I'll give props to pals [or even Facebook acquaintances] who bust their asses publicly in an effort to nudge others in a similar direction.

The same understanding should go for healthy people who don't quite get chronic disease. To be fair here, who wants to think about painful situations? Who wants to see pictures of someone in a hospital? As remission is nearer and nearer for me, I'd like to stop thinking about Crohn's Disease entirely. The fact is, I can't. It's with me for the rest of my life. And if I'm receiving thankful e-mails from readers whom I've never met that commend me for sharing painful stories of my journey, those are the reasons I keep in mind when continuing to pen this crap down. 

I believe that if you truly give attention to other people's struggles, it will make you a better and more humble person. Perusing forums and Crohn's blogs has been a fairly large part of my life for the last while now, but I'm not offended if someone thinks this blog is lame. I don't care if even the people that I know are too uncomfy to read it. Getting the masses to sign on to follow my life was never my intention in starting Stale Cabbage. I thank the friends that do read, but I feel it may be necessary to voice that I write for myself, to document my sickness, and to reach out to others who are suffering from super scary things that have also touched my spirit.

I appreciate support from any direction it comes from. And if you disregard something that I write, that's okay. I am not preoccupied with the amount of "likes" or "views" I get. I'm simply happy to have you visit and if we're lucky, walk away with some insight and a chuckle or two.

The more and more we lose ourselves in technology, the less and less we see what's around us. I'm going to do what I can to stay happy, and that means continuing to blab on about my disease. Whatever you do, I hope that you do it because you want to, not because it will go over well with our online community.

You've Come A Long Way, Baby

Stale Cabbage is my baby. 

This is our 200th post.

It may have taken a while to get here [almost two years!], but I couldn't be happier with the progress. Through this blog I've been able to talk about everything that I've discovered within myself, learned about the amazing city that I live in and am inspired by everyday, and all that I've endured through Crohn's therapy. 

Thanks for listening to all of my crap. 

With great friends and family, strong faith, and a little luck...

 I battled through a sickness that almost killed me.

And I talked about it with anyone who would listen.

[Sorry & Thanks.]

Because of that sickness, I developed a better relationship with food.

I started a group for other people in Boston and surrounding areas with 

Crohn's Disease and Ulcerative Colitis who can't eat pizza on the reg. The rest of you really piss me off.

I stopped to listen, absorbing everything that I could from amazing and influential people.

And I learned that networking isn't such a scary thing. 

Put yourself out there, you'll be super happy you did.

I discovered what a great friend I truly have in my Mama.

[truly.]

I lost my apartment, jobs, and most of my friends when I got sick.

I also found that I could turn that around, and felt warmth in rebuilding what was taken.

I launched what I hope to someday call an amazing career.

[first type.]

I'm still learning to drive cars with manual transmissions.

[Hey, we're not all perfect]

I met the love of my life.

I think he even saved it once or twice.

And I continue to learn patience and understanding as I watch him on the road.

[Some new pals don't hurt during these times, either...]

 It takes an immeasurable amount of dedication to keep sane and happy after nearly coming back from the dead. I don't generally pride myself in stick-to-it-iveness, but after knowing the courage it takes to pull yourself together the way I've had to, I'm proud of my ideas, powerful emotion, and strength of character. Illness isn't something that many people understand, and I wouldn't blame most of you if you didn't think as highly as I do about the things that I've done. But I will say this: Most people are walking around with something you'll never relate to, that you're heart will never, ever touch.

Practice understanding, mindfulness, and relentless respect for those around you. The relationships that we create in this life are golden. Caring for others, even in moments when all you want to do is throw a microwave in their direction, is absolutely imperative. 

I can go on and say that without everyone I know, I wouldn't have been able to find remission and stability in my life. But... I'd be lying. The people that I love have helped me [a great, great deal], but if I didn't learn to love myself, I would still be lightyears behind. Heaps of that discovery came as I wrote this blog. Post by post, I continued to learn more about myself. I also got a free, first-look at how I fair at practicing what I preach. For other sick people, I cannot say these next few lines enough- Spend time learning yourself. Take advantage of your down time by learning everything you can about what ails you. Talk to family and friends to make sure that they're on the know about what's going on with you, and never, EVER be afraid to ask questions within your medical community. You ARE one of your doctors. 

After realizing that what you know can save your life, you'll never want to stop learning. That curiosity will continue for the rest of your life- if you're lucky. Don't push your body away.

It's your best friend.

I love mine.

I hope you love yours, too.

Signs

Days like this, I don't know what to do with myself.

With every move I've been making in my very young professional life, I try to remember what the most important things are. I have every possible opportunity for growth right now. There are countless people in my life who will back me up in whatever I decide to do. No matter how comfy the scenario seems, I often struggle with finding the one thing I'll need to make the rest of these things glow together- creative energy.

They say that great artists steal. I feel like slightly jealous when I see someone else's work and it moves me. But, that's the idea, right? That's our purpose. To create and communicate what will move people, if only ourselves. I feel wonderful when I finish a project. Heck, I should probably use the word, 'if'. My point is, when I see other's work and it makes me feel anything, I wonder if I should be doing what I'm doing. How do I measure up? Will what I create effect others the way that some of the amazing stuff I've seen out there effects me? During times like these, I like to ask myself, 'What would Josh do?'. A friend from high school, Josh Signs was a born creative. He had a presence that just sort of stopped, and  lightened every situation. He was a thinker, and always made his friends feel beautiful. Josh wanted to make movies, and after taking a moment to think about how he passed away during our very early twenties, I feel a guilty for not taking greater advantage of what's been given to me, and remember the fact that there's still time to make my own dreams come true. He'd probably laugh and tell me I'm ridiculous for wasting any of it.

It's normal to get down about yourself. As I explained, I do it on the reg, myself. After a few painful rounds in the self-doubt and personal destruction ring, I stop thinking about all that crap, turn on some 80's Madonna and find a few reasons to feel good about myself. After all, when you're happy, things happen.

Coming back from battling a serious illness though, there are plenty of emotional scars that can keep you from doing what brings a smile to your face. These scars can sometimes make you question your ability, and your purpose. I used to love going out with friends, now I can't stay out past 10pm without feeling as if I'm doing something wrong. I spent so much time paying attention to what might go wrong with my body, that it scared me into thinking that those bad moments were all there'd ever be. I'm definitely holding myself back from doing challenging work because I'm afraid I'll get sick again and have to stop. I worry so much about this, that I'm absolutely sure I've been overlooking what would otherwise bring me inspiration. it's vicious.

So, since I'm not ready to open all of my mind's windows and let the creative ideas fly on in, I've decided that I should try to find inspiration in what scares me. 

Are you terrified of zombies? I'm sure some idiot started penning down his nightmares about them a decade back and his fears became one of the largest pop culture topics in years. 

On Being Genuine

Hello, you.

Today I'm going to talk about relationships, and how to make sure that you're putting your most honest foot forward. We've all got friend, friend of friend, family, love, frenemy, and work relationships. Are you the same you for all of them? Or do you have different masks for each?

A good friend of mine explained to me the other night that she regularly watches just how different her friends are in separate interactions with others. After our conversation, I realized that I may have a few masks of my own. There's Networking Event Ali, Sick Game Face Ali, and Yeah, I Was Totally The One Who Farted In The Elevator But Will Continue To Deny It Ali, to name a few. 

The best way to form healthy relationships and keep them that way, is to throw the idea that you have to be anyone other than yourself, right out the window. When you meet someone, it doesn't matter what you're wearing, or how far you are in your career. It's about how you connect with that person on an honest and respectful plane. What comes from truthful and excited interaction can end up becoming a beautiful relationship, work related or not.

Are you close with your family? GET close. They're the only ones who will see you at your worst and continue to love you like they hadn't.

Those are probably the most valuable words that I'll ever be able to give. You can't change blood. And even if you stop talking for a bit, under the anger or frustration, there is always one constant: Love. Your family won't lie to you about what your faults are, so if you feel unsure about how you're coming across, ask someone who you're related to if there's something you can do better. Trust me, even if you don't want to hear it, those words will be astoundingly helpful as you continue to grow as an individual.

***On that note, thank you, Sam. I WAS a heinous bitch to that girl in the subway a few weeks ago. 

Work relationships. They're easy to let become solely business interactions. I think that sucks. Did the guy you worked with that one time just start a family? He was pretty neat, right? Send him a card. You'll feel good, he'll feel good, and it shows others that what you do isn't who you are. 

Friends of friends are fun. They trust that your mutual pal is a good judge of character, so you've already got your in. As long as you don't get drunk at their Halloween party and pee in their broom closet, you should be able to keep that impression. Not to mention, if you trust your friends, the people that they choose to keep in their lives will have the chance to end up long-standing pals of yours in your future. Don't start that relationship with any jealousy or bitterness, like if they were the ones to see The Hunger Games with said mutual friend instead of you, JIM.

I don't have any Frenemies. The one person to have hated my guts in all of my years, that I can think of, is Caryn Moskal, in middle and high school. And she continues to be one of the prettiest girls I've known in real life. 

To sum things up, BE YOURSELF.

Haters gonna hate, real recognize real, and don't worry if you think that you're not good enough. You are. 

Shoot, I bet you're cooler than you know.