Signs

Days like this, I don't know what to do with myself.

With every move I've been making in my very young professional life, I try to remember what the most important things are. I have every possible opportunity for growth right now. There are countless people in my life who will back me up in whatever I decide to do. No matter how comfy the scenario seems, I often struggle with finding the one thing I'll need to make the rest of these things glow together- creative energy.

They say that great artists steal. I feel like slightly jealous when I see someone else's work and it moves me. But, that's the idea, right? That's our purpose. To create and communicate what will move people, if only ourselves. I feel wonderful when I finish a project. Heck, I should probably use the word, 'if'. My point is, when I see other's work and it makes me feel anything, I wonder if I should be doing what I'm doing. How do I measure up? Will what I create effect others the way that some of the amazing stuff I've seen out there effects me? During times like these, I like to ask myself, 'What would Josh do?'. A friend from high school, Josh Signs was a born creative. He had a presence that just sort of stopped, and  lightened every situation. He was a thinker, and always made his friends feel beautiful. Josh wanted to make movies, and after taking a moment to think about how he passed away during our very early twenties, I feel a guilty for not taking greater advantage of what's been given to me, and remember the fact that there's still time to make my own dreams come true. He'd probably laugh and tell me I'm ridiculous for wasting any of it.

It's normal to get down about yourself. As I explained, I do it on the reg, myself. After a few painful rounds in the self-doubt and personal destruction ring, I stop thinking about all that crap, turn on some 80's Madonna and find a few reasons to feel good about myself. After all, when you're happy, things happen.

Coming back from battling a serious illness though, there are plenty of emotional scars that can keep you from doing what brings a smile to your face. These scars can sometimes make you question your ability, and your purpose. I used to love going out with friends, now I can't stay out past 10pm without feeling as if I'm doing something wrong. I spent so much time paying attention to what might go wrong with my body, that it scared me into thinking that those bad moments were all there'd ever be. I'm definitely holding myself back from doing challenging work because I'm afraid I'll get sick again and have to stop. I worry so much about this, that I'm absolutely sure I've been overlooking what would otherwise bring me inspiration. it's vicious.

So, since I'm not ready to open all of my mind's windows and let the creative ideas fly on in, I've decided that I should try to find inspiration in what scares me. 

Are you terrified of zombies? I'm sure some idiot started penning down his nightmares about them a decade back and his fears became one of the largest pop culture topics in years. 

Shut Up And Be Driven

If you have the opportunity to work with something that you love, you should, right? However, that opportunity will almost never simply present itself, so working to get to that point is super imperative. Most people don't understand what it feels like to work toward a goal while simultaneously working through a sickness. I absolutely think that failing to put the effort in for something that you love is a sickness. 

When you're suffering, for any reason, the last thing that you want to think about is how you can better yourself. When I was super sick, I started writing things down that I wanted to change about myself when I got better. This included tiny things like remembering to shut off lights when I walked out of a room, or to get dressed everyday [even when I knew I'd be too weak to go anywhere]. Of course there were days when I stopped caring about the future, about anything I'd have to put work into. I was miserable. But I knew that the day would come when I would be happy to hustle.

That day is finally here. I'm peddling my ass all over town trying to find work, and I'm starving for it. I honestly thought that I might never have gotten better. On those days that I get brave enough to  remember thinking I was close to death, I appreciate everything in my life. All you need is some serious commitment to your craft, confidence, networking skills, with the ability to accept any criticism, and boom- you're on the right track. Staying humble is something that I have seen in some pretty amazing artists who are making livings of their craft, and that's how you can become so beautifully seasoned. Listening, and not being afraid to expose yourself are really important skills in this business. Don't get me wrong, it seems as though I'm discouraged about something [literally] every day. But what knocks you down a peg should only help you to work that much harder in trekking your path.

Got a pebble or two in your shoe? Take them out and decorate them. 

Then sell them. Just don't stop your life-hike because you're a little sweaty and you cut your leg on a branch that someone forgot to clear for you.

No one will ever clear the entire way. And why should they?

Pull up your socks, pack some sammies, and get 

your ass up that trail.

It's Okay Not To Be Okay

To Whom It May Concern:


It's come to my attention that I am unbearably, and undeniably, unhappy. There have been few things lately that make me feel as though I have something to be proud of myself for. After spending so much time wondering what things would be like if I'd ever come out of so many terrifying Crohn's flare moments, it's almost gotten old for me to try for it.  Pieces of me sort of don't even care anymore. Small things that made me so happy seem so difficult to do. Objects are heavy. My body doesn't work like it used to. People are at such faster paces than I am. I don't speak when I'd like to. I resent anyone and everyone for what their abilities are that mine don't- and won't- hold a candle to. I think that I've actually started to hate things. 


I'm writing about this because I should. Because when you're this down, but you still have hundreds of reasons to be happy, you should let your feelings out in words that will prove to benefit you when you decide to read them back to yourself. To say to that sad, weak you, 'So you started over and it was a hell of a lot harder than you thought it was going to be. What are you crying about? You're alive'. I've learned a great deal about myself by exercising this method of therapy. Though I still harbor ill feelings about a lot of people, things, and situations -most of which, do not deserve my shitty judgement. 

I know how hard building my life is going to be. I get small tastes of it everyday. There really is no greater struggle than a struggle within yourself. I'm incredibly angry about what's happened to me. I want to find someone to blame. I want to blame everyone. I'm finally ready for my body to start feeling better, but I forgot how much it used to do. I can't even ride a bike yet. It will take me, I don't know how long, to even get up a hill. I guess I know one thing- after all the peddling I'm about to do, the breeze at the top better feel fucking amazing.


Rant over.


Will someone come over with cookies now?

Flutter Moment

Though my outings are few and far between lately, due to crap weather and body aches [thank you, steroid withdrawal], I always feel inspired by the things I see when I finally start to explore outside of my apartment. Venturing out can be tough for those of us who have been shut-ins for an extended period of time. If the sun is shining and the birds are singing, being outside can be really fun, not to mention super healing.

This beauty was waiting for me as I left Harvard Station last week. 

I had been anxious all morning and decided that going outside, and even riding the train, might make me feel better. You know what? It worked. 

When I want to spend time with friends somewhere new, or just need to get myself to one of many appointments with doctors, sometimes I freeze up when deciding what to wear, what will happen, etc.. I start to get nervous that my clothes aren't fitting well enough because I'm still so little, that I'll be under prepared for weather conditions, that I'll run out of money and won't be able to make it home by train or bus, that I won't be able to find a bathroom if I need one ... I psych myself into staying inside. I've done it at least 4 times in the last week. It's a terrible feeling. I just have to keep reminding myself that pushing back into social situations will be a good thing, a healing thing. Not some terrifying experience that will leave me scarred. I have awesome pals waiting for me on the other side- and even if I didn't, I'd still benefit from clumsily heaving myself over that barrier. 

You can do it, too. Even if you haven't been sick, we all tend to alienate ourselves from friends from time to time. You're probably a little more graceful in your hurdling, probably don't walk into book stores with hummus on your face because you scarfed your rice cake outside so no one will have seen you. 

Funks, right? Ick. Who needs 'em?