Healing, It Hurts

When someone with a chronic illness glimpses remission, It's sort of like what most people would expect- a super joyous, exciting and wonderful feeling that, for an instant, washes away any terrifying thought of what it had been like to be sick and waiting for such a day. Some sickies wait years for this feeling, stuck beneath the rest of the world, and I myself am no stranger to it. But what's it like when you're actually in the thick of healing? When you hit the layer of dirt jusssst beneath where the sun shines on the surface? 

Some unlucky and very brave individuals know that there's a roller coaster jammed into that layer. And a tilt-a-whirl. And I can't tell you how many other suspiciously, unsafe-looking pieces of crap machinery there are, meant to confuse the fuck out of anyone on their way back up. 

Fortunately, there are ways to cope with this ridiculously bogus and unfair part of healing. But, it still hurts. You find yourself again when you're body is better, but what no one tells you, is that if you've been sick for an extended period of time, that person you've been waiting to meet again quite possibly may have never ditched his or her unsavory character flaws or deep-seeded issues. Fighting the good [sick] fight turns any wimp into a stallion, but if there were things in there like emotional or psychological issues that were never addressed, the person in the mirror looks less like your old self, and much more like a rhinoceros. I'm not sure why I used rhinoceros there, another part of healing is growing back into your brain's comfy cognition. Never mind the slough of issues that had developed while you were sick. So, what's the best way to heal with your bad self while navigating through your new and exciting life?

Let's start with a basic How-To:

[Unfortunately for you, I never tire of these]

Be Up Front

When you can't remember making plans with friends, or even to be in contact with them, or that you were supposed to keep someone's pregnancy a secret, or you forgot your Goddaughter's birthday, or you went ahead and cried into your pizza for no good reason in front of a bunch of townies at a favorite dive bar and totally freaked out your dude, or that you know you'll DEFINITELY not be participating in any of these online challenges, SAMANTHA, be honest with the people around you regarding why. Staying home and crying to your Puffins cereal is VERY okay. Just make sure you're getting the point across that you care. And you know, write things down once in a while. 

Know When to Call It

Think you might be too emotional about seeing people that you used to, or attending a party similar to those before you were sick, or that you're just not feeling a snug sesh with your ladyfriend or fella? Say so. If these people are worth their salt, they'll attempt to practice understanding, and you won't end up in a ball on the floor three hours later, regretting you left your house.

Apologize for Hiding

Remission means an ebb and flow to how comfortable you are around others. Some days, I just can't do much more than lay around and reflect on how different my life has become in the last year, since reaching remission. Yes, I'm sob/laughing and having full-blown conversations with my dog/ pain management specialist. For me, sometimes that's just necessary to getting through those moments. 

Apologize to [and forgive] Yourself

This is your own. 

But I choose Kung Fu and those orange gummies with the terrible sugary coating. 

When You Need Help, GET HELP 

Save us the time here and just do it, please. It'll be spotty, and you'll blow it off because remembering is painful. But the only way through it, is THROUGH it. Personally, I've been exploring what it's like to have never been diagnosed with a fierce case of ADD. Turns out all of those "attempts" at things make a whole lot more sense, and I'll be better for even trying to understand why. Countless apologies and my incessant thoughts of unwished happiness for wonderful occasions, unfinished collaborations, and never-done favors are something that I'd like to extend to so many people that I care about. 

I sometimes want to tell people who I know are sick, that the journey is so much more than reaching the point that I've gotten to. I understand that communicating something like this should, and does, come with such deep feeling for every individual's experience here. Crohn's Disease both ruined, and saved parts of me. I couldn't be the woman I am right now if I never got sick. I don't regret or hold bitterness for my body. Letting go of that has made this journey much lighter, but I am, and will be continuing uphill for probably longer than I'm anticipating or giving credit for. I can't give much more advice on how to move faster or lessen the load, as I'm still figuring it out. I just want anyone else in the same place on the trail to know that they're not alone. 

The View From Here

Last week, I got sick. Not the kind of chronically sick that I've written about in the past, but a small flu-like infection. This sort of thing isn't an afterthought for a healthy person. Which is how I initially approached the situation- as a healthy person. Because I am now, right? Wronnnng. I've been feeling so great for so long, that I had totally forgotten that the body of a person with an autoimmune disease can take much longer to heal than one without. This isn't to say that every little cold would turn into a three-month infection- I don't want to scare any sickies here- but prolonged fighting for those of us with chronic illnesses isn't uncommon at all. 

I took some doses of Sudafed and drank copious amounts of juice, but when things didn't get better in a hurry I, for the life of me, couldn't understand why.

I guess I've been busy since I went into Crohn's remission last July. I started school this year. I have multiple jobs now, and still do freelance design. I see friends often and hang out with my dog in the park. This is the year I turn 30, and I want to cram in so much of what I simply couldn't in the last few. It seems though, that I'm always running from one thing to the next. When you've got the kind of disease that comes and goes without warning, you take advantage of your healthier time as best you can. You just do. Unfortunately, attempting to make up for the moments you may have lost could turn into your becoming reckless about your body in it's current state and just bring your ass right back to the hospital that you spent countless hours planning your escape from.

I haven't written a Stale Cabbage post in four months. Recognizing a serious health issue is easy when it's your number one job, every single day, for years. When I was sick, I wanted to share my experiences with people who were lonely and scared, who wanted to know more about their sick partners or friends ailing bodies but were too afraid to do it in person. I wanted to create a network of support for sillies who just didn't want to believe that their lives were different. 

And then I got better.

I didn't want to pay any more attention to the thing that stole my life. But as I sit here again, laughing and crying, feeling the pull back to what my situation really is- uncertain, enraging, impossible to map out- I feel it's only necessary to keep myself from turning it away. There's a constant haunting in me to keep in mind that at any moment, I could lose everything all over again. Balancing that fear along with the idea that experience, responsibility for myself that not everyone can understand, and the happiness that brings will lead to healing, is exhausting, and excruciating. Because I'll never really know how long I have until it's time to put the armor back on. 

My reasons for going into detail about how difficult this part is are the same as they've been for every other post I've given. If you are trying to balance a normal life with the fear and actual loathing of a chronic illness, I applaud you. Your fearlessness in continuing to live with each heavy thought is brilliant. Remission is a wonderful, and absolutely beautiful thing. But it is also a heart-wrenching and brutal part of our diseases. Please remember to breathe. Remember to stop beating yourself up about what you can't do yet, and start raising your glass for the things you can [Even when that glass is fulla Pedialyte].Take your time, knowing with full faith that you'll not only be able to regain your self when the storm is over, but you'll become something truly unstoppable in being mindful of the beast you now know. Because your time isn't limited- it's just on a different kind of clock.

So sit the fuck down and relax. You've earned it.

When Recovery is a Bad Word

You know that last post I wrote about refraining from apologies? I suppose it's not so easy to skirt feelings of guilt for being sick for an extended period of time, after all. Keep finding reasons to praise yourself for your most healing moments though, even when you feel you're defending them.

There are always those around you who assume that because you announce your experiences with online friends, that the inside scoop is shared. That your "whole truth" is exposed.

It isn't. Sometimes, in extreme cases- if you're VERY good with a camera- you may even be able to pass these tougher times on as lovely, when they hurt more than the holes in your colon. 

I believe that during two periods in the cycle that is a flare of a chronic illness, you learn who the closest ones to you really are. This isn't to say that people who aren't wiping your ass don't care-- they just may not have the capacity to understand just how many times [or why] you can't stop shitting* your pants. Here are some pointers for those who are recovering from long-term illness and can't stop wondering when they'll feel normal again in all kinds relationships, and how to enjoy getting there.

*Shit being every tiny emotional, financial, spiritual, crisis, among too many others to list here.

Even SPECIALISTS struggle with this. Stumbling upon a strong community of sick or healing people is one of the most valuable things that can come about in the life of someone with a chronic illness.

Finding solid friends with fiercely relentless appetites for understanding can safe your life. Have you had eyes rolled at you, been hurt by it, and then realized that the eye-roller hadn't had more than a ten minute conversation with you in the last year? Me too. This is one of those pieces of advice that I'll highlight, italicize, AND place in bold: Don't apologize for doing things that make you happy after spending ANY amount of time thinking you were dying. 

DO be honest with the people you've let in about what's important to you, and try your best to vocalize the confusion you're feeling about countless lost opportunities, about spacing out on important things like meetings or social do's & don't's, or how to go about managing things that you haven't in a very long time... like money or time management. These are things that most people don't have to think about twice in their day-to-day routine. 
It's very okay that you do. 

Work.
Ugh, am I right? Some sickies with full-time jobs struggle with absences and tardiness pretty regularly. If you've gotten involved with the type of employer that doesn't listen to your needs, get your booty to your local SSA office as fast as you can, and make an appointment with a representative to talk about your rights as a sick person. 

Romantic Relationships.
I'm still working this one out. Let's dog ear this part, shall we? Just be as honest as possible, and go to therapy while you're sick so you don't fuck it up any worse than your sickness will. Your partner might not be able to handle things, and leave.

Friendships.
Ooh, you could make a bestie with a family member who's got the same illness you do, that's worked out pretty wonderfully for me. And where would you be able to find someone like that?? In your disease support community!! <3 This next part is going to sting, and I've gone here before if you've ever read any previous posts, but: It is probable that you will lose a large number of people close to you when you get sick. Think of it this way- if a pal became VERY involved with training for say... a marathon, and you just couldn't grasp what was so special about missing out on parties, ditching regular nights out with the gang, or waking up at the butt-crack of dawn to train for something [they felt] they neeeeeeded to, would you be right there with them in the snow? No. So don't be hurt by your chums not jumping on board with your mandatory marathon. 

I'm tired. I think this post is done.
[Because I'm late now. I can't manage my time well. Read up on what else medical PTSD will keep you foggy about- and don't apologize for needing to]. #sorrynotsorry.

The Whole Truth

I've always been the first person to raise my hand and call "bullshit" when someone close to me is struggling and tries to find a flimsy way to disguise it. I've also been the one, more times than I'd like to admit, to try and hide when I'm truly suffering myself. Which is why my blog posts and sketches are advice-filled and seem to be very self-directed.*

Most people can get by with half-assed self care. When you've got a serious illness, there are times when half-assing anything can be risky. Risky for your health, and risky for your heart.

I regularly depend on my pain management specialist** to cock his head to the side and glare at me as though he sees directly through my fibbing.

Post-flare, the period after you've been sick for longer than you thought you could stand, is proving to be more difficult for me than the roughest situations that my little body has gone through in these past, terrifying years.

Though it may seem foreign to some, relearning most everything that was familiar or had always been second nature is the trouble I've been facing everyday. Strengh comes in very intense waves. I had a heart-breaking separation late last year as most of you know, and that will continue to be very painful. I am grateful to have had such a wonderful, giving partner for such a long time. What I'm describing though, goes much further beyond that. 

If there are people in your life that are starting over, for any reason, and you're not sure how to approach them or you see that they're struggling particularly hard, these are just a few ways to ease their woes:

Make light (but not too light) of the situation at hand.

I bet if you somehow incorporated a fart joke, it would be appreciated. Despite that Cait Dooley says, "If they can't take a poop joke, they're no friend of mine", a point with which I happen to agree very much, it may or may not go over well. Don't ask me, man. Feel the room.

Offer to get them out of the house.

This is an important one. When you're depressed, your body will let you know if a good sob is necessary, right? But that can quickly turn into your general, "I can't move and don't want to", kind of day. It's a slippery slope, chums. Let's help our loves from self-medicating with drugs or alcohol-- and stick to the preferred, excess of cookie dough.

Watch Sci-fi with them.

Or whatever they like, even if you hate it.

Suck it up and be the friend you should be.

Keep dates!

I know that if I make plans with someone and I'm feeling like poop, if they bail, I'm sad about it for a bit. That's just me. I'm a flake though, too. I do it often. Which leads me to my next point--

Don't let pals blow you off when you know their alternative is a pint of ice cream and the episode of Friends where Ross & Rachel break up played three times in a row.

God dammit.

(I flake all the time)

Recognize when someone is trying.

If we try to have a little patience with our wonky friends, it might go a long way in their healing. Not to mention, it could do you some good to sacrifice time, energy, the upper hand in a ridiculous debate, or even your plans for an afternoon at a museum or getting high in your cousin's basement.

I have been terrified to continue with Stale Cabbage because I felt like a cross between a fraud for being a non-sick person, and guilty for becoming a monster while I was so sick and miserable for so long. Fuck it.

Happy New Year.

I'M IN REMISSION.

Resolution?

No more apologizing.

On Starting Over

Man oh man, I'm my best friend. 

Finding the secret to loving your heart if you've never really learned to is a liberating and soul-warming experience. It's also painful and scary as fuck.

This year was an animal that I never expected my eyes to meet. Remission of a serious disease is something that I waited three long years for. Now that it's finally here, figuring out what to do with myself has been even more trying than dealing with the illness itself.  I lost parts of me that I'm not happy to admit to losing, and feel as though I failed someone who came into my life only to care for and love me by taking too long to heal. Feelings of guilt for being sick, as wrong as they may be, are a pretty serious, and pretty common problem for anyone living with a chronic illness. It delays all healing. All of it. It makes more problems than you could imagine for yourself. And if you've got any emotional issues prior to that, you definitely start to feel as though you've been kicked in the grapes just too many times to get up and learn to feel good again. 

So what do you do?

You start over.

You start over in every way. And it fucking kills. But if you're beating yourself up about things that you've had no control over, you're not getting anywhere. You'll never forgive yourself if you don't stop blaming yourself. That's a fact. Stripping your spirit down to reassess your value doesn't sound like a walk in the park, and it isn't. I don't want to start life at 30, I can't even lie about that. Most of my posts are geared toward sickies [and not so secretly, to myself], but this is something that can apply to anyone with heart-shaped baggage. So, you know... probably anyone who reads this. 

I've never quite been here before, but I consider myself extremely lucky to recognize this time in my life as simply the beginning of another process that I'm excited to have been presented with.

While painful wrecking balls came through my heart and tore down walls that I built to keep real love out because it terrified me, because I thought that I didn't deserve it, they also allowed me to finally watch myself grow into a listening and forgiving, wide-eyed learner... and I'm so very happy to let the new chapter begin.

I'll finish this note with gratitude, respect, acknowledgement, courage and love. Because that's all any of us are after, and right now, I feel absolutely nothing else.

<3

Double Agent

Has there ever been a time in your life that you remember living as a version of yourself? 

It's possible that some people may find this difficult to relate to [I'm jealous of and applaud those who do], but when we're going through something tough, sometimes we become so used to motion on autopilot, that we forget how to use our manual controls as the days start to get brighter. 

Years and years of full-of-shit song writers and Etiquette books have told us that we should, "Put on a happy face", "Smile, and the whole world smiles with us", and, "Don't cry on the subway in the middle of the afternoon". I personally think that this is all a load of crap. If you don't express what you feel, you'll end up sitting on it until it leaves a frowny face divot in one of your ass cheeks. Just not cute. Being polite is one thing, you definitely should NOT- under any circumstances- hurt anyone Hulk-style if they get in your way on an off day. However, if you don't let out your sniffles [or if you're a manly man and don't cry- your pent up aggression], faking that happy face can end up... not so much in your favor.

While I was sick, I started putting forth a version of myself that I wanted everyone else to see. Partly because I felt like I had to, and partly because I thought it might help to jump-start a little happiness in my life. Not that I faked any interests, friendships or intentions, but really now, how much of your vulnerable side do you let your semi-close friends see? What if your vulnerability is already all over the internet via Instagram or the dreaded Facebook? You want to be strong, right? You want your pals and acquaintances to have a good feeling when they're around you. And not spend time bogged down feeling bad for you. You want to feel inspiring, and inspired...

I'd better not be the only one guilty of this. 

But you may wake up one day and realize, "HOLY FUCK..." And I can use as many curse words as I want to, because I'm no longer with a publishing network and it feels wonderful, "I've been trying so hard to make everyone think that I'm THE STRONGEST PERSON ALIVE, that I've actually become weaker in the process". 

Let me make myself perfectly fucking clear:

Keeping up with appearances is a total waste of time. 

If you feel like crap, stay home. If your friends are putting together a party and you know you're going to feel anti-social, go to the library instead. Cry alone in your bedroom and line all the pillows you own up to punch in rapid succession. Most of the posts I write are instructional, but here's a secret: I write them for myself. So I can look back on them and take the advice that I listed months, or even years, before. I'll be honest- sometimes it's really fucking hard. I've gone months without writing- or even reading- because I knew that I just wasn't strong enough to address the resentment that I had for getting sick in the first place. The honest truth is that I still struggle with it. It's probably not something that will ever really go away, but I'm getting there. 

And these days, I'm not afraid of letting the world see that.

If you're feeling bat shit cray, or you just want to be negative for a while in your room- DO IT. Don't waste your energy trying to push that down into your super awesome depths. They'll just start rotting away. Explaining the smell to your friends and loved ones and trying to get them to stick around and ignore it is a lot more awkward than losing your strength sometimes and letting it be seen.

You beautiful idiot.

When To Stop Fighting

Once upon a time, there was a young girl who fell ill and ultimately lost everything. 

Over three years, the girl slowly regained the strength and mental clarity it took to give her life another healthy chance. What she didn't expect was an uphill, and often times negative battle more terrifying than knowing and learning to respect illness. And she became addicted to that battle. 

Unfortunately, fighting for a career and well being and the perfect romantic relationship is different from reasons behind fighting just to fight. It can be hard for the ones healing to keep this in mind.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO TRUCK THROUGH?! WHAT DOES REMISSION EVEN MEAN?? MAYBE I SHOULD START KICKING PUPPIES AND BABIES AND EVERYONE I LOVE  

because I don't remember how else to be and I CAN'T STOP TELLING MYSELF THAT EVERYTHING STILL HURTS."

This is one typical string of thoughts that people who used to be sick and aren't anymore have, even when they're feeling better physically. My body feels great, but the lists and lists of stressful things that normal, healthy people figure out how to balance out as they grow into fantastic, hysterical and wonderful adults feel more and more foreign to me with every cool story from healthy, well-adjusted friends. 

HERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN HELPING.

GOOD FRIENDS

[The kind that you don't mind letting sleep over after a night of too much wine.]


GOD DAMN THERAPY
Just go. Even if you've never been sick.

FUN.

I don't care if you get your jollies by flashing your neighbors... unless your my neighbor. In which case, bring it on. Just do things that are silly and amusing before letting yourself blow up or break down-- and don't worry about how you look whilst doing so. Here's the honest truth, baby: NO ONE wants to deal with roller coaster emotions, but if you MOVE YOUR ASS and don't look in the mirror before you do it, it may help. Really. If you feel like poop on a stick, you probably look like poop on a stick. Who wants to psych themselves up for awesomeness if they get all self-conscious and blah blah blah?? In fact, put your mirrors in storage. Life is about enjoying yourself- not what you look like when doing it. Something else? The happy people are the attractive ones.

GET YOUR ASS INSPIRED

[Gili, do you know about this bad bitch??]

EAT WELL

Please? 

DON'T JUST SIT THERE--

Go exercise. Jerk. Do you know how many people wish they could move their bodies, you sunnava bitch??!

DON'T WASTE TIME AROUND PEOPLE THAT DO ANYTHING BUT LIFT YOU UP.

I'm serious. Fuck that noise.

BE ONE WITH NATURE.

Run. Dance in the sun. Hike your face off. Screw staying inside. It will kill your spirit.

Being ready to make your life better takes commitment that you've probably never had to give before. You'll be your worst enemy. Not every day will be happy. People will piss you off, make you jealous, and test your newly found, happy and centered patience. You'll resent your friends, your family, your dog... and anyone who seems happier than you do. You'll learn more about yourself trying to change for the better than at any other point in your life. And you'll be one of those people who never shuts up about it.

I'm not quite there yet, but once I am...I hope I never do.

Still Stones And Moss

Wonderful things seem to be happening all around me. Friends are having babies, second babies, great career opportunities, and finding tremendous strength in climbing even further from each new and beautiful place that they reach. 

They're wonderful! All of them! And they inspire me all the time.

They're rolling stones, and continue to be moss-free in most of their endeavors because they have the happy attitudes that allow themselves, no matter what, to keep going. Once you get a taste of something good, your drive pushes you to go grab seconds, am I right??

What about the other type of friends though, those stones that seems to sit still and gather inch after inch of soggy moss until it weighs them down completely? I've compiled a list of some sure fire ways to get those lovely little stones rolling again, and on the way to higher hopes. With much personal research, my little Gloomies, these pointers are for you.

Carry your Own Baggage

I'm fully aware that the camera equipment at my feet in this picture does not belong to me, 
but that doesn't mean that I don't know how heavy it is. That said, they still don't outweigh
 my history.

Part of finding your true self and becoming an adult on this planet is recognizing that if you spew your unwanted junk everywhere, no one will want to be around you. There's just got to be fair amounts of give and take, talking and listening. It's always healthy to vent, but solving your own problems will make you an amazingly tough person. And don't sell yourself short, you probably already make a great therapist to the people closest to you. 

Enjoy The Climb

Even grimy, smelly stairs get you somewhere. Shut up and know that every step you take is
going to bring you out into the sunshine again, and taking a look around in the muck can also
be kind of fun. 

Celebrate [Without Taking Advantage Of] Friendships

This is an important one. The ones that I talked about venting to up there, the few that listen and love you unconditionally? Those chums are to be held in very high regard. Be careful that the tear-fests you give them aren't wearing down their faith in you to become super happy [and fun to be around] again. Try to remember that just as getting worked up and being sad is exhausting, so is listening to you getting worked up and sad. At the very least, bring those idiots some cookies in exchange for putting up with your snot-stained sleeves.

Fuck 'Em If They Can't Take A Joke
This is just as important. Not everyone is cut out to be as sympathetic to what you're going though as you'd like. This will never change. Your soul-bearing is extremely overwhelming to some, so be respectful when you might not get the reactions you're looking for. Put your feelers out for who to speak to about your issues, whether you're healing, going through a break-up and can't stop talking about it, or are at your wit's end about a job you hate. A lot of people are [gasp!] generally happy all of the time. Don't rain on parades because you're too wrapped up in yourself. On the other hand-- if you genuinely feel as though you've been wronged or personally victimized by someone who doesn't understand you, don't get upset. Just walk away. In the long run, if they aren't close enough to you to really be able to care, it doesn't matter what they think. Do not hold this against them, just let it go.

Recognize A Greater Power

I don't care what you grew up believing, it's been proven that having faith in a higher power helps to alleviate stress and combat illness. Could it be that the Universe hears you when you're down and out and sends you healing relationships and sunshine? I frigging hope so, because I've been banking on that for a long ass time. Believing in something creates a sense of belonging. A sense of belonging leads to connection with others who share similar beliefs. Human connection can change your entire way of thinking. Freaking start believing that something's pushing you along this rock, already. Even if it's science based.

Know Your Limits

Ooh, you sure look like an asshole in that deep V. No, really. Aside from fashion sense and courageous idea sharing, it isn't okay to do more than you think you should. Even the healthiest person can easily burn out when there's too much going on. I'm talking to everyone here, not just the sickies.

Grow Up
Really? You still haven't filed your taxes? From last year?? Get it together, flapjack. You don't have time to screw around anymore. Your thoughts should be on how to better yourself every day. Go get a notebook, and write down 5 things to do next week that you've been putting off because you haven't felt like doing them, and do them... Then, do it all over again.

Note Accomplishments, Big & Small
How the hell else are you going recognize how you operate? Reward yourself with some praise and feel happy about something you've just done, even if it may be small to someone else. Let others who are close to you know when you're proud of something you've finished, or a new idea you have. Make them happy about believing in their accomplishments, too! 

Treat Yo'Self

Shooot. I like pink and red nail polish. I probably have three of the same shade. It makes

me feel GOOD. What is something that perks you up when you're feeling blue??

Create Your Own Timeline

Moving fast is for race car drivers and downhill skiers. Unless you love speed, and I don't 
mean the movie about the bus, take it slowly. Do what you can, and don't stress about your 
pace. You'll be even more proud of the things you do when you time them right.

Be Logical

My favorite Vulcan would point out when you're being an idiot. Are you willing to do that for yourself? If not, scroll up and read this whole damn post again. Being honest with yourself is one of the most valuable things you can do. If, deep down, you know that something's off, take a step back and rethink what you've got going on. Progress takes time. I've wanted some things in my life to work out soo badly that I've compromised my health to try and grab them. It wasn't worth it, and neither is your rushing something that shouldn't be rushed. Life isn't an Easy Bake Oven. If those brownies aren't ready, they'll give you the shits.


Happy Thursday. Spring is here!

It's Okay Not To Be Okay

To Whom It May Concern:


It's come to my attention that I am unbearably, and undeniably, unhappy. There have been few things lately that make me feel as though I have something to be proud of myself for. After spending so much time wondering what things would be like if I'd ever come out of so many terrifying Crohn's flare moments, it's almost gotten old for me to try for it.  Pieces of me sort of don't even care anymore. Small things that made me so happy seem so difficult to do. Objects are heavy. My body doesn't work like it used to. People are at such faster paces than I am. I don't speak when I'd like to. I resent anyone and everyone for what their abilities are that mine don't- and won't- hold a candle to. I think that I've actually started to hate things. 


I'm writing about this because I should. Because when you're this down, but you still have hundreds of reasons to be happy, you should let your feelings out in words that will prove to benefit you when you decide to read them back to yourself. To say to that sad, weak you, 'So you started over and it was a hell of a lot harder than you thought it was going to be. What are you crying about? You're alive'. I've learned a great deal about myself by exercising this method of therapy. Though I still harbor ill feelings about a lot of people, things, and situations -most of which, do not deserve my shitty judgement. 

I know how hard building my life is going to be. I get small tastes of it everyday. There really is no greater struggle than a struggle within yourself. I'm incredibly angry about what's happened to me. I want to find someone to blame. I want to blame everyone. I'm finally ready for my body to start feeling better, but I forgot how much it used to do. I can't even ride a bike yet. It will take me, I don't know how long, to even get up a hill. I guess I know one thing- after all the peddling I'm about to do, the breeze at the top better feel fucking amazing.


Rant over.


Will someone come over with cookies now?

Mind Full-Ness

Growing into adulthood is a lot harder than I thought it would be. So is deciding just how to use my energy as I do so. There are a shit ton of things in our lives that take a great deal of time and umph, but the key is knowing when to let those situations get you worked up, and when to blow them off the way you would a final exam that you're exempt from after acing the course all semester.
I am imagining that to be a pretty great feeling, but I mostly always blew the course off all semester and wound up cramming for a final that I wasn't at all ready for. 
Getting back to my point, I am studying mindfulness. 


Mindfulness is a concept in Buddhist Meditation that's been applied to psychiatry in Western medicine. It brings a kind of nonelaborative, nonjudgmental, present-centered awareness in which each thought, feeling, or sensation that arises in the attentional field is acknowledged and accepted as it is. [Thanks, Wikipedia.] I have been talking with my therapist lately about keeping my spirits at a stabilized place, higher than they've been during my recent health complications. Having an awareness of what's happening to you without freaking out can actually help you to get through what ails you in a wonderful way. Having mindfulness of problems means understanding them, and moving on to what can be done to better your reaction to those problems. This will allow you to rest a little easier. I'm recognizing what needs to be stressed about, and what really doesn't. And I'm tackling those things one at a time.

I have oodles of help from my number one healer.


What I am finding tough, is having so many things to recognize. I'm full to the brim with worry about my condition. I assume that after being sick for such a long time, any person will start to think that their body will always crap out on them. Crap. Ha. Still, knowing what you feel will help you start to recognize what will change those feelings for the better. So I guess I'll just keep the silly factor up until I can break down the list of worries one by one and tackle them individually. My mind's full- but that doesn't mean that I can't start breaking down the big woes.

Like figuring out what to get my Shaman for the holidays that will make up for all of that incredible bedside manner.


I'm pretty aware of the need to start a job hunt.

Where The Wild Things Aren't

I've been trying to remember what I used to do as an able-bodied young woman. Today, I am more of a homebody, enjoying the thrill of completing crossword puzzles and rewarding myself with a nice prune.

The funniest thing is that that's all true.

The Yahoo Daily Crossword is my jam. Is it also so wrong to want to sit and enjoy a nice puzzle on a spring evening, too?

Hush up. I like being inside.

I also like being outside. It's just that I do't have all of my strength back. Gaining 25-30 pounds can be tiring, and very difficult. I'd like to be at full health, participating in things like the Tough Mudder with my friends. Way to kick ass by the way, Christine and Mike! I 'd like to think that I could have done that thing blind-folded while on steroids. Grr.

Do you ever have nights to yourself that you decide to spend in the house, on projects or just relaxing? Do you like it? Or would you rather be dancing at a discotech with your pals? And oh my god, what do you wear?? The thought alone gives me heartburn.

Being close to remission, but not quite there yet, it's easy to jump the gun and use a bunch of energy that you think you have, only to return to your dwelling as a useless, mushball. Or worse, you might not get through the time that you planned to be out, and have to cut the night short [I hate that]. There's nothing wrong with pacing yourself, giving your body what it needs to really heal up so that you can spend nights on the dance floor with your gal pals in a skanked up dress that you found in the back of your closet that you wore like 4 years ago. You'll probably look like you're trying too hard- and you will be. After a while of being cooped up inside, you start to forget what it's like to have the option to get out there, and you won't know where to start with wardrobe. Ask your chums and do it together!! That's the fun part of getting dolled up and shaking it.

I'm going to a Dubstep thingy tonight in Cambridge. I look forward to it. Even though there will undoubtedly be young ladies there, scantily clad in tube tops when it's not quite warm enough yet, to make me feel like this guy. 

I'll try to remember that I'm just as bodacious a babe. Because it doesn't matter if you feel like you don't measure up in social scenes. You do. And you'll be able shake that thang like nobody's biz again. Just you wait.

Flutter Moment

Though my outings are few and far between lately, due to crap weather and body aches [thank you, steroid withdrawal], I always feel inspired by the things I see when I finally start to explore outside of my apartment. Venturing out can be tough for those of us who have been shut-ins for an extended period of time. If the sun is shining and the birds are singing, being outside can be really fun, not to mention super healing.

This beauty was waiting for me as I left Harvard Station last week. 

I had been anxious all morning and decided that going outside, and even riding the train, might make me feel better. You know what? It worked. 

When I want to spend time with friends somewhere new, or just need to get myself to one of many appointments with doctors, sometimes I freeze up when deciding what to wear, what will happen, etc.. I start to get nervous that my clothes aren't fitting well enough because I'm still so little, that I'll be under prepared for weather conditions, that I'll run out of money and won't be able to make it home by train or bus, that I won't be able to find a bathroom if I need one ... I psych myself into staying inside. I've done it at least 4 times in the last week. It's a terrible feeling. I just have to keep reminding myself that pushing back into social situations will be a good thing, a healing thing. Not some terrifying experience that will leave me scarred. I have awesome pals waiting for me on the other side- and even if I didn't, I'd still benefit from clumsily heaving myself over that barrier. 

You can do it, too. Even if you haven't been sick, we all tend to alienate ourselves from friends from time to time. You're probably a little more graceful in your hurdling, probably don't walk into book stores with hummus on your face because you scarfed your rice cake outside so no one will have seen you. 

Funks, right? Ick. Who needs 'em?

Picnic Day!

The weather in Boston has been lovely this month. Sunshine and cool breezes make afternoons super comfy, and last weekend was a great time to soak them in.

Steven and I packed some lunch and headed down to a park on the Charles River. We munched on veggies and sat in the sun with Cosmo. He loved running with other dogs and was happy to play with the children that jumped and giggled by the water. Pretty cute.

[Keeping watch over our blanket]

A day outside when you're on the road to recovery can boost things into the right direction, especially if you're with people you love. I've always found sunshine to be healing, and I absolutely love having my pup by side while I bask in it. 


Being out and about is a personal fav, but the moving and shaking definitely 
tuckered some of us out.

What's one thing you'd love to do this Spring?