Where The Wild Things Aren't

I've been trying to remember what I used to do as an able-bodied young woman. Today, I am more of a homebody, enjoying the thrill of completing crossword puzzles and rewarding myself with a nice prune.

The funniest thing is that that's all true.

The Yahoo Daily Crossword is my jam. Is it also so wrong to want to sit and enjoy a nice puzzle on a spring evening, too?

Hush up. I like being inside.

I also like being outside. It's just that I do't have all of my strength back. Gaining 25-30 pounds can be tiring, and very difficult. I'd like to be at full health, participating in things like the Tough Mudder with my friends. Way to kick ass by the way, Christine and Mike! I 'd like to think that I could have done that thing blind-folded while on steroids. Grr.

Do you ever have nights to yourself that you decide to spend in the house, on projects or just relaxing? Do you like it? Or would you rather be dancing at a discotech with your pals? And oh my god, what do you wear?? The thought alone gives me heartburn.

Being close to remission, but not quite there yet, it's easy to jump the gun and use a bunch of energy that you think you have, only to return to your dwelling as a useless, mushball. Or worse, you might not get through the time that you planned to be out, and have to cut the night short [I hate that]. There's nothing wrong with pacing yourself, giving your body what it needs to really heal up so that you can spend nights on the dance floor with your gal pals in a skanked up dress that you found in the back of your closet that you wore like 4 years ago. You'll probably look like you're trying too hard- and you will be. After a while of being cooped up inside, you start to forget what it's like to have the option to get out there, and you won't know where to start with wardrobe. Ask your chums and do it together!! That's the fun part of getting dolled up and shaking it.

I'm going to a Dubstep thingy tonight in Cambridge. I look forward to it. Even though there will undoubtedly be young ladies there, scantily clad in tube tops when it's not quite warm enough yet, to make me feel like this guy. 

I'll try to remember that I'm just as bodacious a babe. Because it doesn't matter if you feel like you don't measure up in social scenes. You do. And you'll be able shake that thang like nobody's biz again. Just you wait.

I Yam Who I Yam

I watched an episode of The New Girl last night that made me think about how others might see me. In this series, Zooey Dechanel's character, Jess, is a teacher. She is silly and innocent and doesn't seem to have a clue about 'normal' social interaction. She sings through her conversations, and dances like absolutely no one is watching [while they're standing right next to her]. I like that. If this show teaches us nothing else, it gives us reason to believe that it's alright to behave as you'd like. You're you. Why try to be like anyone else? As long as you aren't talking to the grocery cashier about whether or not she likes wearing thongs, or peeing on the feet of the dude waiting in the elevator with you, I think you're doing just fine.

In this particular episode, Jess meets a girl named Julia, who's a little on the colder side. Julia doesn't like Jess because of her childlike demeanor. Jess tries to show her warmth by sharing cupcakes, but to no avail. At the end of her rope, Jess confronts Julia, ending her rant with, 'And my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch'.

Last night, on my way to the Boston House of Blues [to see Feist!], I saw a baby bird that had fallen from his nest and died. I wanted to take a moment and mourn for it. It didn't strike me as an odd thing to do, it didn't make me feel embarrassed or weird to have cared the way I did. It wasn't even until Steven asked, 'Do little birds come and help dress you in the morning?' [Another Jess & Julia reference], that I thought my behavior might have seemed strange to others.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I don't frigging care what other people think. I DO feel bad about hurt or dead animals. I AM super sensitive when it comes to a lot of things, and cry when I think that something is so absolutely beautiful that it moves me. That's the way I'm built. It's a huge part of what makes me ME. 

Do you have sensitivities that you think other people just don't understand? I started reading this book:

It had been sitting on my bookshelf for years, and I've only now just gotten to it. Steroids make your mind mushy, and you become more and more sensitive to everyday situations when you're taking them. Reading literature like this, that reminds you that you're not the only person who has issues with sensitivity, really helps to strengthen the faith that you have in yourself and in your thoughts. 

I'll always want to cry a little when I see that something has died. Especially baby birds. I just will. I'll probably always cry at Hallmark commercials too. I can't feel bad about that, because it's my norm. Someone with a less sensitive personality may have it easier in life, but I'll take my sensitivity over that any day. I like feeling all of my feelings.

peep.