I Yam Who I Yam

I watched an episode of The New Girl last night that made me think about how others might see me. In this series, Zooey Dechanel's character, Jess, is a teacher. She is silly and innocent and doesn't seem to have a clue about 'normal' social interaction. She sings through her conversations, and dances like absolutely no one is watching [while they're standing right next to her]. I like that. If this show teaches us nothing else, it gives us reason to believe that it's alright to behave as you'd like. You're you. Why try to be like anyone else? As long as you aren't talking to the grocery cashier about whether or not she likes wearing thongs, or peeing on the feet of the dude waiting in the elevator with you, I think you're doing just fine.

In this particular episode, Jess meets a girl named Julia, who's a little on the colder side. Julia doesn't like Jess because of her childlike demeanor. Jess tries to show her warmth by sharing cupcakes, but to no avail. At the end of her rope, Jess confronts Julia, ending her rant with, 'And my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch'.

Last night, on my way to the Boston House of Blues [to see Feist!], I saw a baby bird that had fallen from his nest and died. I wanted to take a moment and mourn for it. It didn't strike me as an odd thing to do, it didn't make me feel embarrassed or weird to have cared the way I did. It wasn't even until Steven asked, 'Do little birds come and help dress you in the morning?' [Another Jess & Julia reference], that I thought my behavior might have seemed strange to others.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I don't frigging care what other people think. I DO feel bad about hurt or dead animals. I AM super sensitive when it comes to a lot of things, and cry when I think that something is so absolutely beautiful that it moves me. That's the way I'm built. It's a huge part of what makes me ME. 

Do you have sensitivities that you think other people just don't understand? I started reading this book:

It had been sitting on my bookshelf for years, and I've only now just gotten to it. Steroids make your mind mushy, and you become more and more sensitive to everyday situations when you're taking them. Reading literature like this, that reminds you that you're not the only person who has issues with sensitivity, really helps to strengthen the faith that you have in yourself and in your thoughts. 

I'll always want to cry a little when I see that something has died. Especially baby birds. I just will. I'll probably always cry at Hallmark commercials too. I can't feel bad about that, because it's my norm. Someone with a less sensitive personality may have it easier in life, but I'll take my sensitivity over that any day. I like feeling all of my feelings.

peep.

Take Time To Make Time

I'm learning, a lot later than most I'm sure, just how valuable the time I spend alone can be. I like venturing out on my own, having date days with myself, and taking time to think about what truly makes me happy. I haven't been able to reflect as clearly through these roughest parts of my sickness, and it's kept me from learning myself. Maybe I more was focused on being silly, trying not to let myself get too serious because I was secretly very scared of my disease. I kind of felt I didn't need to know more than that just then.

 Shutting down other areas of my life because something I'm 

dealing with is tough? Preposterous. Those neglected little parts really suffer! I'll

 never let that happen again.

Coming out of a terribly rough patch in health [or really any harder life situation that sets you back], you rediscover new things about your personal tastes. A lot of things. It feels pretty amazing.

Turns out, I really like reading. I never put time into learning new things when I was younger. I was way too interested in what movies were coming out, and what Britney Spears wore to the VMAs. Supah lame. These days, gimme anything and I'll read it.

I'm too sexy [slash, not sexy enough] for my hat. Or my jacket. Or my left shoe. I was never really a fashion forward type gal. Comfy sweats or hoodies did me very well. Now that I'm a little older, and have had oodles of time to blogstalk fashion writers, I'm really interested in trying to recreate what I see, but on a sickie's budget.

Keiko Lynn is a personal fav.

I also discovered that I really enjoy crossword puzzles. Go on and make fun of me. Pfft. 

I LOVE MUSIC. 

Live music is wonderful, and I had the chance to see a really great show last weekend. Well, most of a show. I was spent by the third quarter and had to head home... But getting out and being part of a live music experience is something that I forgot meant so, so much to me.

Have you heard of Jason Anderson?? His shows are so intimate, so lovely... He draws you in and forces you to participate by clapping, singing along, and is quick with a joke or two. Simply awesome.

Exploring is fantastic! I've had more energy lately to see the parts of Boston that I hadn't yet invested time in, and so far, I love it. I am proud to live here. So many medical and technological advances have been made here, among tons of other cool historical happenings.  I'm excited to know that there's even more to learn about in pretty much any part of this city.

We took a Duck Tour through Boston last weekend! 

Okay, so I wasn't alone. But a lovely date day was needed, and we had a blast! ;D

 I know now just how much it's worth to hear my own voice, and I hope you do, too. Even if you're tone def, it feels good to get loud sometimes.  Your friends will understand. I don't see any of them on American Idol.

Zing.

Represent, Represent.

Are you proud of who you are?

These days, I am feeling better and better, but am still so terrified of starting over. I never know if when I start something, I'll have to call it quits because of a Crohn's flare. It makes things super difficult and can really be a blow to the ego. What I am happy about, is my ability to stay passionate about the things that I believe in, and who I am as a person. Not everyone feels that way, and it has taken me a long while to get here.

Yesterday, I received my transcript information from Edison College in Fort Myers, Florida. I sent away for it last week so I could set up a meeting with an Academic Adviser at BHCC, here in Boston. I'm excited to see what I can do to further my education, because after being set back for so long, learning is something that I long for. My medications have made it extremely difficult to retain information, and these days I find myself nodding along with people in conversation with very little to contribute.


And sometimes, I feel absolutely stupid. 


I could go on thinking that I'll be fine when I'm finished with steroids, and trust that people in my life know what's going on [or not going on] in my mind... But you can never expect anyone to understand exactly what's happening with you. We've been over that, post after post. I've learned to voice what's up to new pals. I let people know if, when I'm speaking, I'm all over the place in my mind. It helps them to better understand me, and it eases tension that I bring upon myself. I don't feel like an idiot when I'm being honest, because I am being the most true version of myself that I can be. People really appreciate that.


Showing others what you acknowledge can be strengthened within yourself does not mean showing weakness.


Say what you mean, mean what you say, and always remember why the things you believe in are special to you. And if you forget why, go look it up again. It seems as though I'm always researching what I talk about. It's getting annoying, but at least I can spend more time figuring out what yummy foods to shove in my mouth rather than pulling out my own foot outta there.