When To Stop Fighting

Once upon a time, there was a young girl who fell ill and ultimately lost everything. 

Over three years, the girl slowly regained the strength and mental clarity it took to give her life another healthy chance. What she didn't expect was an uphill, and often times negative battle more terrifying than knowing and learning to respect illness. And she became addicted to that battle. 

Unfortunately, fighting for a career and well being and the perfect romantic relationship is different from reasons behind fighting just to fight. It can be hard for the ones healing to keep this in mind.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO TRUCK THROUGH?! WHAT DOES REMISSION EVEN MEAN?? MAYBE I SHOULD START KICKING PUPPIES AND BABIES AND EVERYONE I LOVE  

because I don't remember how else to be and I CAN'T STOP TELLING MYSELF THAT EVERYTHING STILL HURTS."

This is one typical string of thoughts that people who used to be sick and aren't anymore have, even when they're feeling better physically. My body feels great, but the lists and lists of stressful things that normal, healthy people figure out how to balance out as they grow into fantastic, hysterical and wonderful adults feel more and more foreign to me with every cool story from healthy, well-adjusted friends. 

HERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN HELPING.

GOOD FRIENDS

[The kind that you don't mind letting sleep over after a night of too much wine.]


GOD DAMN THERAPY
Just go. Even if you've never been sick.

FUN.

I don't care if you get your jollies by flashing your neighbors... unless your my neighbor. In which case, bring it on. Just do things that are silly and amusing before letting yourself blow up or break down-- and don't worry about how you look whilst doing so. Here's the honest truth, baby: NO ONE wants to deal with roller coaster emotions, but if you MOVE YOUR ASS and don't look in the mirror before you do it, it may help. Really. If you feel like poop on a stick, you probably look like poop on a stick. Who wants to psych themselves up for awesomeness if they get all self-conscious and blah blah blah?? In fact, put your mirrors in storage. Life is about enjoying yourself- not what you look like when doing it. Something else? The happy people are the attractive ones.

GET YOUR ASS INSPIRED

[Gili, do you know about this bad bitch??]

EAT WELL

Please? 

DON'T JUST SIT THERE--

Go exercise. Jerk. Do you know how many people wish they could move their bodies, you sunnava bitch??!

DON'T WASTE TIME AROUND PEOPLE THAT DO ANYTHING BUT LIFT YOU UP.

I'm serious. Fuck that noise.

BE ONE WITH NATURE.

Run. Dance in the sun. Hike your face off. Screw staying inside. It will kill your spirit.

Being ready to make your life better takes commitment that you've probably never had to give before. You'll be your worst enemy. Not every day will be happy. People will piss you off, make you jealous, and test your newly found, happy and centered patience. You'll resent your friends, your family, your dog... and anyone who seems happier than you do. You'll learn more about yourself trying to change for the better than at any other point in your life. And you'll be one of those people who never shuts up about it.

I'm not quite there yet, but once I am...I hope I never do.

Flutter Moment

Last week, I went to the Museum of Natural History on Harvard's campus in Cambridge. I can't remember the last time that I took the initiative to seek out something new to do. This solo time was incredible. [I do have an irrational fear of stuffed, beastly animals and insects that I've developed over the years though, so I baby-stepped my way around the building.]

And holy shnikies, it was rad. It was on the cheap end of the Boston-Tourism-Will-Put-You-In-Debt Spectrum and the children all over the place made for tons of silly fun for awkward adult me.

You should go!

Mind Full-Ness

Growing into adulthood is a lot harder than I thought it would be. So is deciding just how to use my energy as I do so. There are a shit ton of things in our lives that take a great deal of time and umph, but the key is knowing when to let those situations get you worked up, and when to blow them off the way you would a final exam that you're exempt from after acing the course all semester.
I am imagining that to be a pretty great feeling, but I mostly always blew the course off all semester and wound up cramming for a final that I wasn't at all ready for. 
Getting back to my point, I am studying mindfulness. 


Mindfulness is a concept in Buddhist Meditation that's been applied to psychiatry in Western medicine. It brings a kind of nonelaborative, nonjudgmental, present-centered awareness in which each thought, feeling, or sensation that arises in the attentional field is acknowledged and accepted as it is. [Thanks, Wikipedia.] I have been talking with my therapist lately about keeping my spirits at a stabilized place, higher than they've been during my recent health complications. Having an awareness of what's happening to you without freaking out can actually help you to get through what ails you in a wonderful way. Having mindfulness of problems means understanding them, and moving on to what can be done to better your reaction to those problems. This will allow you to rest a little easier. I'm recognizing what needs to be stressed about, and what really doesn't. And I'm tackling those things one at a time.

I have oodles of help from my number one healer.


What I am finding tough, is having so many things to recognize. I'm full to the brim with worry about my condition. I assume that after being sick for such a long time, any person will start to think that their body will always crap out on them. Crap. Ha. Still, knowing what you feel will help you start to recognize what will change those feelings for the better. So I guess I'll just keep the silly factor up until I can break down the list of worries one by one and tackle them individually. My mind's full- but that doesn't mean that I can't start breaking down the big woes.

Like figuring out what to get my Shaman for the holidays that will make up for all of that incredible bedside manner.


I'm pretty aware of the need to start a job hunt.

Petroleum Jelly

Last night I was with my friend Meg, [it was her birthday yesterday, and we baked and stuffed our faces with red velvet cupcakes] when mentioned how when she was younger, her mother applied Vaseline to her skin. It made me recall those teeny rituals that you share with your mother as a young child, and I started to miss some of the ones I shared with mine terribly.

Last Sunday was Mother's Day. I have been far from my Mama for some time, now. We visit, and talk nearly everyday, but I can't help but feel a disconnect from how close we were when I was younger. I'm sure the distance takes it's toll, and I think what might be happening in this relationship- something that has been happening in most of my relationships- is that I am growing away from certain bonds. I'm also more of an adult than I've ever been.

After succumbing to sickness, after being so down and out for such a long time, the thoughts of previous comforts are what get you through when you're struggling to reclaim a sense of normalcy in your life. I had a stuffed bear when I was small that my mother and I named Bones. He was small and brown, and had a red bandanna tied around his neck. The flake that I was- and sometimes still am- I left him everywhere, and when I'd lose him again and again, my mother would somehow find a copy of him in a toy store and bring it home so I wouldn't be so sad.  It wasn't until much later that I realized just what a stretch that was for her, as we weren't the wealthiest on the block. I was a super sensitive kid, and my mom was awesome in helping to keep my anxiety at ease in any way she could. 

This is my courage frog. When I'm sick and need to be admitted to the hospital, I take this little guy along, keeping him close to my bed where he can keep an eye on me when my Mom's far away in Florida. She gave him to me during my first Crohn's hospital stay in Boston.

Can you think of things that your parents did for you, not necessarily to keep you from being upset [though powerful cures may often be needed to subdue the willies, heebie-jeebies, etc.] that stuck with you? Or something that you remember from when you were little that just seems to make everything feel a little better? Maybe the smell of a certain breakfast, or songs that you sang with friends or relatives? I remember my good friend Dina explaining years ago that when she was sick as a child, her mother would make her english muffins with peanut butter. Go Stace! 

I think that because I'm grown, and far from my Ma, I'm always looking for ways to mother myself. These urges come in small doses and pack a punch. I like that. And I can't wait to be the tough little me that I was before taking so much sick time. I'll keep thinking about finding new methods to make myself less scared.

 I still have a newer version of the worry dolls that I used to carry around as a nervous kid. 

Ever have these?

I'm sure I'll get Bones out of the closet every now and again to give him a good squeeze and think about how safe I felt when the both of us fit on my Mom's lap. 

Until then though, this guy will have to do. 

I Yam Who I Yam

I watched an episode of The New Girl last night that made me think about how others might see me. In this series, Zooey Dechanel's character, Jess, is a teacher. She is silly and innocent and doesn't seem to have a clue about 'normal' social interaction. She sings through her conversations, and dances like absolutely no one is watching [while they're standing right next to her]. I like that. If this show teaches us nothing else, it gives us reason to believe that it's alright to behave as you'd like. You're you. Why try to be like anyone else? As long as you aren't talking to the grocery cashier about whether or not she likes wearing thongs, or peeing on the feet of the dude waiting in the elevator with you, I think you're doing just fine.

In this particular episode, Jess meets a girl named Julia, who's a little on the colder side. Julia doesn't like Jess because of her childlike demeanor. Jess tries to show her warmth by sharing cupcakes, but to no avail. At the end of her rope, Jess confronts Julia, ending her rant with, 'And my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch'.

Last night, on my way to the Boston House of Blues [to see Feist!], I saw a baby bird that had fallen from his nest and died. I wanted to take a moment and mourn for it. It didn't strike me as an odd thing to do, it didn't make me feel embarrassed or weird to have cared the way I did. It wasn't even until Steven asked, 'Do little birds come and help dress you in the morning?' [Another Jess & Julia reference], that I thought my behavior might have seemed strange to others.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I don't frigging care what other people think. I DO feel bad about hurt or dead animals. I AM super sensitive when it comes to a lot of things, and cry when I think that something is so absolutely beautiful that it moves me. That's the way I'm built. It's a huge part of what makes me ME. 

Do you have sensitivities that you think other people just don't understand? I started reading this book:

It had been sitting on my bookshelf for years, and I've only now just gotten to it. Steroids make your mind mushy, and you become more and more sensitive to everyday situations when you're taking them. Reading literature like this, that reminds you that you're not the only person who has issues with sensitivity, really helps to strengthen the faith that you have in yourself and in your thoughts. 

I'll always want to cry a little when I see that something has died. Especially baby birds. I just will. I'll probably always cry at Hallmark commercials too. I can't feel bad about that, because it's my norm. Someone with a less sensitive personality may have it easier in life, but I'll take my sensitivity over that any day. I like feeling all of my feelings.

peep.