If I May

Since it's gotten nicer and nicer outside, and the sun has given me more happiness than I've had in quite some time, I'm in a super excited and silly place. There are so many people wearing flip flops and dresses in the city, so many smiling couples and pups out with families in this awesome weather. It seems as though the fresh breeze is carrying bits of happy around and letting it fall on us just when we each really need it. And it's about damn time.

After the bombing last month during our beloved Boston Marathon, there's been a stillness in the city. People have been unsure of how relaxed to let themselves become. Though we've given a sigh of relief after suspects were caught or killed, we still hurt for what happened... and many people question the tragedy. There are tons of unreliable sources spewing what they think we should believe through the sharing of their websites and photographs. It's maddening. I think we deserve some beautiful freaking weather, and a fresh season.

But there is one absolutely terrifying thing about this month.

May is National Irritable Bowel Disease Awareness Month. That's actually wonderful- far from terrifying. But it's the month that I, along with countless others, was initially diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. The change of seasons can wreak havoc on an autoimmune disease, and many people start to flare when the weather gets nicer. It's a crap shoot, but it's our job to try and find things to be happy about everyday. If we don't, we run the risk of getting sick and becoming super miserable. The positive vibes you give yourself are in direct correlation with how good you feel.

If you've got blood running through your veins, you've got the opportunity to make your time on this planet worth something. Even if you're sick. Especially if you're sick.

Make a plan.
Show your teeth.
Grab happiness by the nape of it's neck, and make it your own.

Sometimes even a well-deserved, gorgeous new start is scary. The truth is, people with a lifetime sickness never stop working. Ever. Being on your toes is something that becomes second nature, but can hurt... so we've got to make sure that we're well-rounded in our activity, knowledgeable of our conditions, and willing to sacrifice a lot of things that mean very much to us. At least, for the next few months anyway, we can fight, fight, fight with our toes in the sand and our faces in the sunlight.

You can turn a shitty situation into an opportunity to help others. And to help yourself.
Every moment is what you make it. 

Don't ever let a doctor tell you otherwise.

Faking It 'Til You Make It

I know an accomplished artist or two who have let me in on a very valuable secret. This secret comes from years of hard work and real-world art experience. It makes the journey of self-discovery something you actually want to share. 

When I have the energy, I work as much as I can toward goals that I set for myself with my art work. Sometimes it can be hard to connect with people who are in a much more seasoned place than I am, and that's okay. I spent a lot of time being sick and missing out on the opportunities that may very well have kick-started my career. I try not to dwell on that- which is hard when I see someone crank out beautiful work like they're part robot... but, my favorite thing about any struggle I've known is that it always came with hope for success, even if that hope might have been microscopic at the time. A large part of that hope came from artist pals who taught me to fake it 'til I make it. 

That was the secret. Did I set that up right?

[one of the sweetest gifts I've been given]

 It isn't that I think we aspiring full-time artists aren't as valuable as those wo have gone balls to the wall freelance, I just keep thinking that when you hit a certain point in your career, you feel like you've gotten somewhere. Even if that somewhere is simply financial stability. Which is huuuge! I don't expect to be selling out gallery shows anytime soon, but I do like that people don't mind looking at the crap I draw while they eat their sandwiches in cafes in Boston. For now.

There are small ways to "fake" certain things that can be worth while learning experiences for when it's time to apply all of your MacGyvering to what you might think is the real deal. Turns out though, you'll quickly find that allll those small steps are the real deal. And the more you take, the larger you'll realize they are. Get those free business cards from Vistaprint. Start an online portfolio, even if it's a blasted Tumblr page. Mine is. And don't be scared to push or peddle your work!

For instance, I wanted to sell my work online for a really long time. I was pretty scared, considering how many of the people in my circle are celebrated artists. But I started to disconnect from online personas and paid more attention to why I liked so much of what they do. Nothing seemed as if it was  being done for anyone else, and that's the heart of where my work comes from. I decided to make myself a light box and photograph the shit out of a few small pieces that I made.

[You can Google how to do basically anything nowadays...]

Guess WHAT?? It was easy.

Really. Freaking. Easy.

The best part was how really freaking happy it made me. I encourage you to push yourself to do something that scares you, too. After seeing those small pieces on Etsy, selling some, and finding people tweeting about and pinning them, I felt like I could do anything. [Even though most of my support came from friends and family- they count, too!]

I want to get one thing straight. Faking it -to me- does not mean talking to people about how much you know about art. It does not mean pretending to be something you aren't to gain interest in work that you think other people want to see.

My faking it, was convincing myself that I had the grapes to do something I was afraid of, as if there would be no crowd response. Once I ditched a lot of my fears, I was able to jump through the steps that have started a teeny biz. That's just the tip of the iceberg, because once you start, the real key is to keep going with your work as if you hadn't just posted the last thing you finished. Guess we should get busy, right? And I've got much more time since I stopped giving a chocolate chip what anybody thinks of it. That's the truth.

 And really, if I'm faking anything these days, it's when I pretend I'm not the person in the room that just farted.

The Honesty Policy

When I started writing this blog, I wanted to be able to share what was going on in my life with my family and friends [most of my family lives far from me, and I've been away for a number of years]. More importantly, I wanted to start a journal of my life with Crohn's Disease for myself, and for my children.

I did not intend for it to be viewed by others. Sure, maybe I thought of a few pals that I could push the link to, but I had no idea it would be so well-received by fellow Crohn's sufferers, or so many passersby. I couldn't be happier with the result. I truly adore making friends and learning from people all over this planet, and writing Stale Cabbage has helped immensely in being able to do so.

I hadn't expected to spout regular fears and weaknesses that I find within myself as I take this fantastic Crohn's journey. After some intensely written posts, and sharing much about my sometimes* hilarious  bathroom follies with the World, I'm on a much better track to becoming well. I'm almost in remission, and tomorrow, with the help of my favorite GI specialist, I hope to finally get that wonderful news.

The awkward part, as if images of my insides weren't enough? Public knowledge of my new start. These days, I'm not afraid of exposing every teeny part of my Crohn's Disease. I'm very proud of that. But as I embark on a career in Illustration, every piece of my heart [and colon] is on display for all to see. That includes potential clients. There is a link to this blog on my professional website. 

Why?

Because I believe that the work that you seek should reflect on who you are as a person.

I know that in some facets of the commercial art industry, such openness may be seen as weakness. And if my work is seen as such because of the way that I live my life online, for other Crohn's survivors, I couldn't care less. There will always be people out there looking for artists who are just as real as I am.

When you're real, other people see that. They can feel it. That includes clients, peers, long-time friends, and significant others. I like the way my work reflects on my silly demeanor. I enjoy being able to hold a conversation with someone about what makes their project so special, and I want no part of a career that doesn't call for regular heaps of interactions like those.

Be The First To Laugh

When you're having one of those heinous weeks, and think things couldn't possibly make you feel worse, you should always remember that they have the potential to turn completely around. I've seen this phenomenon many times in my life. I'm not sure if the universe is doing me a solid by helping scoot me along and throwing me some good when I feel like garbage, but I'll certainly take it.

I wrote my last post before I was paid fair value for some really fun illo work, had just found an old letter from my father, and discovered life with a new job that I may already be in love with.

Every time I get super low, I try to remember the U-Turn Phenomenon [or, UTP]. When I'm bumming, I never seem to recall that in every other bad and uncomfy time, I've seen it all turn around. The same wonderful phenom likely rears it's head when you're least expecting it, too. Feeling down, well, it sucks. And when you're in a depressed mood, the last thing you want to hear is some idiot on a rant about how 'it'll be okay'. But shut up, alright? I'm about to drop some insight.

I have friends who are still sick with Crohn's. It never goes away, but when we're in remission is when we totally forget everything that we had just powered through. And who could blame us? I don't want to dwell on how embarrassing it was to be an adult and experience regular accidents, or recall painful and [again] embarrassing procedures. Here's the thing though- when those embarrassing things happened, who do you think was the first person to laugh? ME. If you beat everybody else to the punch by giggling about some crap [ha] that you can't help anyway, you'll be surprised at how much you can actually change the situation. You avoid looking bad by shedding light on the poop in a way that says, 'Hey, I'm sick. And here's how I'm going to handle it', rather than, 'Hey, I'm sick. Feel bad for me, because I'm too wrapped up in how sad I've become to look at this with any sort of positive thinking'. 

Here's my point, and you don't have to know illness to understand it. When your life shits it's pants, shimmy out of those pants and put on some sweats. It's an excuse to wear sweats, and NO ONE will judge you for putting on something comfy after dealing with what was just super unpleasant. You might actually get a few pats on the back. The only thing you've got to promise me is that you'll take a look at the mess at your feet, and choose to skip over it after making a joke -without crying- and wait for the UTP.

Don't cry over poop-filled pants. 

Signs

Days like this, I don't know what to do with myself.

With every move I've been making in my very young professional life, I try to remember what the most important things are. I have every possible opportunity for growth right now. There are countless people in my life who will back me up in whatever I decide to do. No matter how comfy the scenario seems, I often struggle with finding the one thing I'll need to make the rest of these things glow together- creative energy.

They say that great artists steal. I feel like slightly jealous when I see someone else's work and it moves me. But, that's the idea, right? That's our purpose. To create and communicate what will move people, if only ourselves. I feel wonderful when I finish a project. Heck, I should probably use the word, 'if'. My point is, when I see other's work and it makes me feel anything, I wonder if I should be doing what I'm doing. How do I measure up? Will what I create effect others the way that some of the amazing stuff I've seen out there effects me? During times like these, I like to ask myself, 'What would Josh do?'. A friend from high school, Josh Signs was a born creative. He had a presence that just sort of stopped, and  lightened every situation. He was a thinker, and always made his friends feel beautiful. Josh wanted to make movies, and after taking a moment to think about how he passed away during our very early twenties, I feel a guilty for not taking greater advantage of what's been given to me, and remember the fact that there's still time to make my own dreams come true. He'd probably laugh and tell me I'm ridiculous for wasting any of it.

It's normal to get down about yourself. As I explained, I do it on the reg, myself. After a few painful rounds in the self-doubt and personal destruction ring, I stop thinking about all that crap, turn on some 80's Madonna and find a few reasons to feel good about myself. After all, when you're happy, things happen.

Coming back from battling a serious illness though, there are plenty of emotional scars that can keep you from doing what brings a smile to your face. These scars can sometimes make you question your ability, and your purpose. I used to love going out with friends, now I can't stay out past 10pm without feeling as if I'm doing something wrong. I spent so much time paying attention to what might go wrong with my body, that it scared me into thinking that those bad moments were all there'd ever be. I'm definitely holding myself back from doing challenging work because I'm afraid I'll get sick again and have to stop. I worry so much about this, that I'm absolutely sure I've been overlooking what would otherwise bring me inspiration. it's vicious.

So, since I'm not ready to open all of my mind's windows and let the creative ideas fly on in, I've decided that I should try to find inspiration in what scares me. 

Are you terrified of zombies? I'm sure some idiot started penning down his nightmares about them a decade back and his fears became one of the largest pop culture topics in years. 

Fairy Tales

Last post, I talked about doing what makes you happy. Or, at the very least, thinking about what makes you happy. But lately, I've been thinking of so many different things that it's hard to keep up with myself. Trying to get an Illustration & Design career off the ground is exhausting. This is mainly because I find myself wanting to do a bajillion awesome things at once. A snail's pace is what I've had to grow comfy with when my Crohn's was flaring, but now that my health is looking up, I'm trying to find the balance between thinking of wonderful and amazing projects, and finding the time and energy to follow through with as many as I can. So, I've decided to jot down everything I think of creating in an idea book [thanks, Natalya!], distinguish between what's possible right this very minute, what can be created in the near future, and the heaps and heaps of dreams I can mayyybe someday make come true. Then- I'll work from there. 

I've been doing a lot of research on the young, artistic community in this city. Where people got their start, how to speak with small companies and art directors- like I'm even close to that point, and your basic industry etiquette. What surprised me is that I may actually be closer to the things that I want than I thought I was.


I find myself drawing pictures of princesses lately. I don't even like them. I just keep drawing them, held captive, high in their towers. I suppose I wish I still had my long hair to scale down the side of this 'you're-too-scared-to-jump-into-drawing-pictures-for-a-living' tower with. You've got to push yourself, and if there's anything I know about getting things done, it's that you take the bad with the good- and NO ONE will rescue you. Wayne Gretzky said that you miss one hundred percent of the shots you don't take. You think he struggles with drawing fingers, too?  Maybe carrying around a hockey stick will scare people into hiring me.


That's going into my idea book. Right after how I'll ditch my
 upcoming bone density test. Ick.

June Issue

One of the best parts of Summer is having the realization that it's finally here. Unfortunately, the chilly air is lingering in Boston. Still, the start of a new season is refreshing. I love the feel of a different temperature on my skin, and dressing accordingly. I'm also pretty excited about my growing portfolio, finding interesting work, and turning 27. Again.

One pretty awesome development in my life right now is the rebuilding of an old bike that someone left in our basement when the house was sold to our landlords.

I haven't done much work on bicycles before, but learning about it is a lot of fun. I also haven't attempted to ride one in maybe ten years.

This particular bike is from England, and was made in the 60's. Revamping is super fun, and I plan to make her dazzly.

One piece of advice, if you're using an old tire- make sure that there aren't any cracks in it. After filling the first one with air, I'm happy I was sitting far from it when it exploded a few minutes later. Can you gauge my skill now?

I'm doing okay as Ms. Fix-It. I'm finding that I actually like it.

I've also recently discovered a new favorite food.
Marshmallow Pup.

What's your Summer project?

Mind Full-Ness

Growing into adulthood is a lot harder than I thought it would be. So is deciding just how to use my energy as I do so. There are a shit ton of things in our lives that take a great deal of time and umph, but the key is knowing when to let those situations get you worked up, and when to blow them off the way you would a final exam that you're exempt from after acing the course all semester.
I am imagining that to be a pretty great feeling, but I mostly always blew the course off all semester and wound up cramming for a final that I wasn't at all ready for. 
Getting back to my point, I am studying mindfulness. 


Mindfulness is a concept in Buddhist Meditation that's been applied to psychiatry in Western medicine. It brings a kind of nonelaborative, nonjudgmental, present-centered awareness in which each thought, feeling, or sensation that arises in the attentional field is acknowledged and accepted as it is. [Thanks, Wikipedia.] I have been talking with my therapist lately about keeping my spirits at a stabilized place, higher than they've been during my recent health complications. Having an awareness of what's happening to you without freaking out can actually help you to get through what ails you in a wonderful way. Having mindfulness of problems means understanding them, and moving on to what can be done to better your reaction to those problems. This will allow you to rest a little easier. I'm recognizing what needs to be stressed about, and what really doesn't. And I'm tackling those things one at a time.

I have oodles of help from my number one healer.


What I am finding tough, is having so many things to recognize. I'm full to the brim with worry about my condition. I assume that after being sick for such a long time, any person will start to think that their body will always crap out on them. Crap. Ha. Still, knowing what you feel will help you start to recognize what will change those feelings for the better. So I guess I'll just keep the silly factor up until I can break down the list of worries one by one and tackle them individually. My mind's full- but that doesn't mean that I can't start breaking down the big woes.

Like figuring out what to get my Shaman for the holidays that will make up for all of that incredible bedside manner.


I'm pretty aware of the need to start a job hunt.

We Built This City...

Bouncing back from being sick is huge.  Once you get your mind in the most positive place it can be, you can start to rebuild what you had to walk away from when you started feeling really crappy.  Sometimes that can take months, but I am excited for my new start.

I've lost out on a handful of pretty great opportunities, but the one thing that I can always tell myself when I pick myself back up again is that I get a clean slate- every time.  Sure, it takes a bit to get yourself where you were, and sometimes you even have to start in a completely new direction, but if you think about it, how many people can say that they get a new start in life?  I consider myself to be one of the luckiest sickies around.  My family and friends are the greatest support net I have ever known, I live with the most amazing, caring, and generous person in the Universe, and I am healing from the inside out everyday in a cozy, sunlight-drenched apartment in one of the greatest cities ever.  

Not everyone who faces sickness is given breaks.  For a long time, I fought Crohn's alone.  I was broke, confused, lost my apartment and gave up friendships because a lot of younger people don't understand what it's like to be around someone with a serious disease.  It hurt, but I learned more about myself than I would have had I not been sick.  I consider my sickness a blessing, and a curse.  There are things in life that we take for granted, and if I hadn't gotten sick in 2001, I might not appreciate the things that I do now.

The Social Security Administration denies a great number of Crohn's patients when it comes to your Disability Benefits. It's your job to file an appeal and start the process again.  If my insurance didn't help, I would be doing the same.  I may even do so in the next few years.  The more you know, the further you can go.  There are steps to take to make sure that you are using your energy in smart ways when you're flaring, and lots of places to go to talk to people who understand what you're going through.  I am waiting until I know that my treatment will get me close enough to remission, but I am planning my attack on the life that I want for myself.  Back to school?  Back to my drawing table?  The Aquarium, or maybe a a dive into Visual Merchandising again?  I don't know yet, because as I move along and regain strength, I have to realize that I may get sick again.  Not every treatment works.

What I do know, and can tell anyone who has had to rebuild at any point in their lives, is that I plan to stack each brick to a bad ass sound track, and you'd be wise to do the same. 

Case of the 'Mondays'

Today, well... today sucks.  There was a blizzard last night in various parts of New England, which left Boston under a butt load of snow.  A butt load.  I usually love the snow, but these days  I have to hobble in it.  You know what happens when you lose your balance in the snow?  I do.

I got to work this morning, after much arthritic frustration, and just sort of lost it.  My mom called as I was changing into my lovely uniform of khakis and a dark blue henley.  It's really sexy.  Then, the tears came.  I was struggling to put on my sneaks as I explained to her how my sucky condition is weighing very heavily on me right now.  My mother has been my best friend, but when obscenities fly from my lips, she is less than pleased... and usually hangs up the phone.  Today, she didn't hang up.  She sighed, told me that she loved me, and that this will pass.  

20 minutes later, I was sent home to rest.  The company that I work for is pretty damn cool.  So what am I crying for??  This last week was amaaaazing.  I spent Christmas with my family in Rhode Island, donated over a foot of my hair to Locks of Love, and started working toward a really great cause.  Let's recap.

I woke up this morning to snow covering our living room window.  Annnd the rest of the windows of my basement apartment.

Garden Level, huh?  More like Buried Alive Level.

This is where I took a tumble.  Good thing the streets were empty.

Brighton got a blizzardy beat down last night.

I mentioned that I donated my hair.  Here's the before shot.

Here goes nothin'.

The first cut is the deepest.  Look at me trying to be emotional and witty.

after, after, after...

I always feel like a seven year old boy, and now I look it.

So, all in all, I can't complain.  I'm looking forward to New Year's celebrations (Mainly to experiment with cute new bows and headbands), but more importantly, this New Year's Eve marks my living in Boston for THREE years.  Yeah, I guess it's my longest relaish.

Oh.  And this was the best gift I got this year.

I told you I'm seven.

Have yourself a merry little Monday.