Healing, It Hurts

When someone with a chronic illness glimpses remission, It's sort of like what most people would expect- a super joyous, exciting and wonderful feeling that, for an instant, washes away any terrifying thought of what it had been like to be sick and waiting for such a day. Some sickies wait years for this feeling, stuck beneath the rest of the world, and I myself am no stranger to it. But what's it like when you're actually in the thick of healing? When you hit the layer of dirt jusssst beneath where the sun shines on the surface? 

Some unlucky and very brave individuals know that there's a roller coaster jammed into that layer. And a tilt-a-whirl. And I can't tell you how many other suspiciously, unsafe-looking pieces of crap machinery there are, meant to confuse the fuck out of anyone on their way back up. 

Fortunately, there are ways to cope with this ridiculously bogus and unfair part of healing. But, it still hurts. You find yourself again when you're body is better, but what no one tells you, is that if you've been sick for an extended period of time, that person you've been waiting to meet again quite possibly may have never ditched his or her unsavory character flaws or deep-seeded issues. Fighting the good [sick] fight turns any wimp into a stallion, but if there were things in there like emotional or psychological issues that were never addressed, the person in the mirror looks less like your old self, and much more like a rhinoceros. I'm not sure why I used rhinoceros there, another part of healing is growing back into your brain's comfy cognition. Never mind the slough of issues that had developed while you were sick. So, what's the best way to heal with your bad self while navigating through your new and exciting life?

Let's start with a basic How-To:

[Unfortunately for you, I never tire of these]

Be Up Front

When you can't remember making plans with friends, or even to be in contact with them, or that you were supposed to keep someone's pregnancy a secret, or you forgot your Goddaughter's birthday, or you went ahead and cried into your pizza for no good reason in front of a bunch of townies at a favorite dive bar and totally freaked out your dude, or that you know you'll DEFINITELY not be participating in any of these online challenges, SAMANTHA, be honest with the people around you regarding why. Staying home and crying to your Puffins cereal is VERY okay. Just make sure you're getting the point across that you care. And you know, write things down once in a while. 

Know When to Call It

Think you might be too emotional about seeing people that you used to, or attending a party similar to those before you were sick, or that you're just not feeling a snug sesh with your ladyfriend or fella? Say so. If these people are worth their salt, they'll attempt to practice understanding, and you won't end up in a ball on the floor three hours later, regretting you left your house.

Apologize for Hiding

Remission means an ebb and flow to how comfortable you are around others. Some days, I just can't do much more than lay around and reflect on how different my life has become in the last year, since reaching remission. Yes, I'm sob/laughing and having full-blown conversations with my dog/ pain management specialist. For me, sometimes that's just necessary to getting through those moments. 

Apologize to [and forgive] Yourself

This is your own. 

But I choose Kung Fu and those orange gummies with the terrible sugary coating. 

When You Need Help, GET HELP 

Save us the time here and just do it, please. It'll be spotty, and you'll blow it off because remembering is painful. But the only way through it, is THROUGH it. Personally, I've been exploring what it's like to have never been diagnosed with a fierce case of ADD. Turns out all of those "attempts" at things make a whole lot more sense, and I'll be better for even trying to understand why. Countless apologies and my incessant thoughts of unwished happiness for wonderful occasions, unfinished collaborations, and never-done favors are something that I'd like to extend to so many people that I care about. 

I sometimes want to tell people who I know are sick, that the journey is so much more than reaching the point that I've gotten to. I understand that communicating something like this should, and does, come with such deep feeling for every individual's experience here. Crohn's Disease both ruined, and saved parts of me. I couldn't be the woman I am right now if I never got sick. I don't regret or hold bitterness for my body. Letting go of that has made this journey much lighter, but I am, and will be continuing uphill for probably longer than I'm anticipating or giving credit for. I can't give much more advice on how to move faster or lessen the load, as I'm still figuring it out. I just want anyone else in the same place on the trail to know that they're not alone. 

Water Wait

I've never been sailing. I imagine racing over the ocean with the strength of the wind behind my schooner [that's a fancy sailing ref for those who care] would be pretty amazing, though. You know how sometimes you feel driven to do something really important? Like some beautiful force has it's hand on the small of your back, willing you to keep sailing until you carry it out?

WAIT.

I'm realizing that maybe some of you don't. I know that for a decent chunk of my life I didn't. It happens. You may spill some mango chutney on your fresh new Sperry's on sailing Sunday, sending you into a tizzy so uncomfy that you fall right off your fancy boat, dickey and all, into the heavy current of the ocean waves.

If you know how to swim, which I do [slowly and as awkwardly as you can imagine], it's not impossible to breast stoke your way to shore again. Or at least to some other sailor's boat for a bit, if that's what you need. I don't know the sailing term for bestest pal, so I'll simply call it "Meg*". That Meg might throw you a towel and giggle with you at pictures of half-naked hipster dudes until you're ready to get dropped off at your own boat again. 

*The name Heather may also apply here. 

When you do finally arrive in a safe place, though... when you are happy with how far you've been able to travel without swim-puking, the feeling is wondrous.

Kiiiinda like this.


There have been few moments in my life that felt as wonderful, but I treasure them and constantly hope for more. The greatest part is that I hadn't even believed I would get to this place. The last three years have been the biggest test I could have had. It didn't take much--just my voice. 

Now that I'm approaching top sailing speed, I don't resent that part of my life at all. I must admit though, that I am just a little nervous. Hence the lingering swim-pukes.

My poor boat shoes.

If I May

Since it's gotten nicer and nicer outside, and the sun has given me more happiness than I've had in quite some time, I'm in a super excited and silly place. There are so many people wearing flip flops and dresses in the city, so many smiling couples and pups out with families in this awesome weather. It seems as though the fresh breeze is carrying bits of happy around and letting it fall on us just when we each really need it. And it's about damn time.

After the bombing last month during our beloved Boston Marathon, there's been a stillness in the city. People have been unsure of how relaxed to let themselves become. Though we've given a sigh of relief after suspects were caught or killed, we still hurt for what happened... and many people question the tragedy. There are tons of unreliable sources spewing what they think we should believe through the sharing of their websites and photographs. It's maddening. I think we deserve some beautiful freaking weather, and a fresh season.

But there is one absolutely terrifying thing about this month.

May is National Irritable Bowel Disease Awareness Month. That's actually wonderful- far from terrifying. But it's the month that I, along with countless others, was initially diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. The change of seasons can wreak havoc on an autoimmune disease, and many people start to flare when the weather gets nicer. It's a crap shoot, but it's our job to try and find things to be happy about everyday. If we don't, we run the risk of getting sick and becoming super miserable. The positive vibes you give yourself are in direct correlation with how good you feel.

If you've got blood running through your veins, you've got the opportunity to make your time on this planet worth something. Even if you're sick. Especially if you're sick.

Make a plan.
Show your teeth.
Grab happiness by the nape of it's neck, and make it your own.

Sometimes even a well-deserved, gorgeous new start is scary. The truth is, people with a lifetime sickness never stop working. Ever. Being on your toes is something that becomes second nature, but can hurt... so we've got to make sure that we're well-rounded in our activity, knowledgeable of our conditions, and willing to sacrifice a lot of things that mean very much to us. At least, for the next few months anyway, we can fight, fight, fight with our toes in the sand and our faces in the sunlight.

You can turn a shitty situation into an opportunity to help others. And to help yourself.
Every moment is what you make it. 

Don't ever let a doctor tell you otherwise.

Long Time No Squeak

I've grown away from this blog. I'm not proud of it, but lately it just seems depressing to me to post anything that could be Crohn's-related. The truth is, I've been focusing so much attention on trying to work, that I've been straight up ignoring my body.

Stupid. I started writing Stale Cabbage to have something to look back on in times of weakness. To remind myself how hard I've worked to accomplish not only finding peace with my disease, but finding peace within myself. So here's the deal, Alicia. listen up.

Just because you have more energy than you did a month ago, doesn't mean that you're any closer to remission. You know damn well that when a flare comes, it starts to brew long before there are any tell tale signs. Are you seriously thinking that ignoring the teeny red flags of your irresponsible dietary actions will keep your sickness at bay? Come on. You also don't want to realize that taking it easy isn't just something that most people wish that they could do- it's imperative for you. Man up. Take responsibility for that little body, because you haven't gotten it back to one hundred percent yet. That doesn't mean that it's okay for you to sit on your ass, either. I want you churning out more drawings than you know what to do with, making connections left and right, and organizing what to sell, how to sell it, and closing every deal that you can.
Then, I want you to blog about it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you're scared of something, you tend to want to ignore it. People put things off all the time because they're afraid the outcome will be different from what they expect. I guess showing courage in situations that you don't want to recognize is something that few people are actually able to do. I also suppose that when faced with that very dilemma, I've been a mouse. You know, you're either a man or a mouse, right? But let me tell you a little something about mice. They're smart. They may run into a wall the first couple of times they try to find their way out of some shit-- but when they know what they're doing, they show up again with a greater strength. And an army to back them up.

I think that I am ready to spend more time thinking about what I need to do to make things right with my bod. I've started to resent it for everything that I've been through, and recently- I've been feeling not so great. I've been taking that out on the people that are closest to me, and I feel retched. For that, I am so, SO deeply apologetic.

So pals, mind doing me a solid? Tell me when you think I'm being an idiot when it comes to food, rest, and alcohol. I may squeak like hell for a bit, but I promise I'll share the good cheese with you... you know, when I can truly stomach it again.

Flutter Moment

Pain, Pain, Go Away.  And don't come back.  Ever.

I've been waking up in a lot of pain lately.  Every morning, I have a little anxiety that I will roll over and a experience heinous feeling.  Sometimes I'm okay, sometimes it hurts too much to breathe.  One constant though, is that my pup is always snuggled up right beside me when I open my eyes.

With this sunshine, and the added mobility that I've been seeing these days, every morning feels like a fourth grade field trip day.  There's a lot to be happy about, so while I wait for the Remicade and Prednisone to do what it's supposed to, I'll hold on to this paw and smile a little more every dawn.

Hello, Strangers

Been quite a while since my last post.  

Things have been a bit crazy in my posted-up-ness here in Cambridge.  I took a trip to the old Emergency Department on Friday afternoon, to try and figure out why I have been so nauseous lately.  I started a new med last month and stopped it two weeks into treatment because it made me feel sick to my stomach, but ceasing the drug didn't make those awful feelings go away.

It turns out that there's been a pretty nasty virus going around Boston.  People have been in and out of the ED with symptoms of vomiting and diarrhea, dizziness and fevers.  Unfortunately for people like me, with Autoimmune Disorders, viruses like these can do much more damage.  My body suffers a lot more than someone who isn't sick.

The amazing thing? These symptoms DO NOT seem like flare symptoms.  There is no blood, and minimal cramping.  What's happening seems to be virus only, and I am praying as hard as I can that they are!

Some of this is a bit embarrassing, but I always offer full detail in my fight against Crohn's Crap.  

In the hospital, nurses help you with sponge baths.  Here at home, I have been too weak to stand so long in the shower, so I set up a home sponge bath station of my own.  

I also recommend spending as much time as you can in open sunlight.  It's healing!

Pup and I open our bedroom window and expose our bellies to the light!  It feels good and makes the pain go away, if only for a few minutes at a time. :)

I've been cooking when I have energy in the day, and eggs are always amazing!

Add your favorite fresh fruit, and your tum will thank you...

So, while trying to keep from heaving while this virus wreaks havoc on my system, I am moving around with the energy that I do have and fill my body with things that will help me to feel soo much better.

Are you taking care of your bod?

Have a great weekend!

So, this is Christmas.

I did not put up a Christmas tree this year.  Michele and I have been so all over the place during the last month, with her finishing school (woot!) and my fighting Crohn's.  Let alone grasping for last minute Christmas gifts.  BUT, a couple of days ago, I walked out of my room and our entire apartment was full of small Holiday touches!  Totally made the week warmer.  

I put up labels in Spanish last month all over our apartment to help Michele learn the language.

( um, this is where we keep the plates)

Her decorations are much prettier. 

Hobbit Chic.

Today, I am in Rhode Island with my Godparents and cousins.  We Skyped with the rest of our family and stuffed our faces with a ridiculous amount of Italian food.  Then, my cousin Erik broke out the Mead.  Some of us are drunk now, some just gassy.  Yep, it's Christmas.  

Impossible To Ignore

Sunday night, after the very friendly Holiday Sing-Along, I sat with Michele and had one of our very frequent 'life talks'  (I adore them).  We discussed my very recent relapse of Crohn's Disease.  Lately, I feel like this is all I talk about.  Mainly because, well... it's all that I can think about.  Being able to vent about it with friends and family has always come very easily.  I'm a talker.  


But I started to really think about how rough it's been lately.  And how great it would feel to talk with someone else who understands my situation first-hand.  I then noticed that the very small, but very significant light bulb had gone off above my head.

I needed to create this opportunity for myself. 

So, I got my pencils together and drew up Step One.

aligatorshoe@gmail.com

The next morning, my roomie and I hopped in her '84 VW Van,

(that's right) and headed to Staples.  I made enough copies 

of this flyer to cover Rhode Island.

And also had to scrape snow from the windshield with a pizza box.

Because a fuse blew and the wipers bit the dust.  I guess it's a good thing

that we never clean out that van.

I started on foot, with a backpack filled with flyers, tacks and 

tape, to accomplish Step Two.

The Brighton P.O. was the first stop.  

I continued walking for hours, and it snowed for the 

entire duration of my mission.

But I couldn't stop. 

I went in bars, book stores, cafes, coffee shops, post offices and

 libraries to spread the word.  I posted flyers in record boutiques, comic book stores and 

so many Starbuck's that I'm still trying to get their infectious Holiday music 

out of my head.

I am quite happy to say that my Crohn's Disease and 

Ulcerative Colitis Support Group flyers had gotten a much more positive 

response from shop-keepers and small business owners than I had anticipated.

People were generally interested, asked questions, and I even met some

people who know a Crohn's patient or two.

I've dealt with being sick for the last ten years.  I've been gawked at, ostracized, poked, prodded, publicly humiliated, and emotionally and physically scarred.  I've learned more about life than I could have ever imagined by having Crohn's Disease.  But I talked about it.  In sharing my fight, I learned strength.  And I can only hope to provide a fraction of what I've found to others, as well as learn so much more for myself by creating this support group.

If you or someone you know is suffering from Crohn's Disease or Ulcerative Colitis,

and would like to talk about it, please e-mail me at Aligatorshoe@gmail.com. 

 Right now this is a small project.  But  I know that if we better educate

 ourselves and each other of alternative approaches to dealing with this sickness, we can undoubtedly come together to KICK Crohn's.

Flutter Moment

I have what I like to call 'Flutter Moments'.  These moments usually take me by surprise when I am in desperate need of smiling.  It never fails.  I could be, and usually am, having the most horrifying day when these moments choose to arise.  I was walking to catch the bus to work a couple of days ago with a friend, (Any 57 bus line riders in Boston are aware of this terrible mode of transportation) when I caught myself heading into the Bitter Barn with the thought of being without a mate during wintertime.  Even the Penguins I see at the Aquarium have someone.  For life.


Then, I looked down.

This is what I saw.

(If you are a romantic, this rock is lovely to you.)

I smiled, reached for my little white Smartphone, and clicked.  Alone time is AMAZING.  And as I laughed to myself about how the Universe must label me an ignoramus, I realized that had I been wrapped up in someone else... the chances of my missing this sign would be great.  I guess I'm just saying, that small moments that make your heart flutter, are sometimes even more powerful than the effect of someone else's.