If I May

Since it's gotten nicer and nicer outside, and the sun has given me more happiness than I've had in quite some time, I'm in a super excited and silly place. There are so many people wearing flip flops and dresses in the city, so many smiling couples and pups out with families in this awesome weather. It seems as though the fresh breeze is carrying bits of happy around and letting it fall on us just when we each really need it. And it's about damn time.

After the bombing last month during our beloved Boston Marathon, there's been a stillness in the city. People have been unsure of how relaxed to let themselves become. Though we've given a sigh of relief after suspects were caught or killed, we still hurt for what happened... and many people question the tragedy. There are tons of unreliable sources spewing what they think we should believe through the sharing of their websites and photographs. It's maddening. I think we deserve some beautiful freaking weather, and a fresh season.

But there is one absolutely terrifying thing about this month.

May is National Irritable Bowel Disease Awareness Month. That's actually wonderful- far from terrifying. But it's the month that I, along with countless others, was initially diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. The change of seasons can wreak havoc on an autoimmune disease, and many people start to flare when the weather gets nicer. It's a crap shoot, but it's our job to try and find things to be happy about everyday. If we don't, we run the risk of getting sick and becoming super miserable. The positive vibes you give yourself are in direct correlation with how good you feel.

If you've got blood running through your veins, you've got the opportunity to make your time on this planet worth something. Even if you're sick. Especially if you're sick.

Make a plan.
Show your teeth.
Grab happiness by the nape of it's neck, and make it your own.

Sometimes even a well-deserved, gorgeous new start is scary. The truth is, people with a lifetime sickness never stop working. Ever. Being on your toes is something that becomes second nature, but can hurt... so we've got to make sure that we're well-rounded in our activity, knowledgeable of our conditions, and willing to sacrifice a lot of things that mean very much to us. At least, for the next few months anyway, we can fight, fight, fight with our toes in the sand and our faces in the sunlight.

You can turn a shitty situation into an opportunity to help others. And to help yourself.
Every moment is what you make it. 

Don't ever let a doctor tell you otherwise.

Flutter Moment

Though my outings are few and far between lately, due to crap weather and body aches [thank you, steroid withdrawal], I always feel inspired by the things I see when I finally start to explore outside of my apartment. Venturing out can be tough for those of us who have been shut-ins for an extended period of time. If the sun is shining and the birds are singing, being outside can be really fun, not to mention super healing.

This beauty was waiting for me as I left Harvard Station last week. 

I had been anxious all morning and decided that going outside, and even riding the train, might make me feel better. You know what? It worked. 

When I want to spend time with friends somewhere new, or just need to get myself to one of many appointments with doctors, sometimes I freeze up when deciding what to wear, what will happen, etc.. I start to get nervous that my clothes aren't fitting well enough because I'm still so little, that I'll be under prepared for weather conditions, that I'll run out of money and won't be able to make it home by train or bus, that I won't be able to find a bathroom if I need one ... I psych myself into staying inside. I've done it at least 4 times in the last week. It's a terrible feeling. I just have to keep reminding myself that pushing back into social situations will be a good thing, a healing thing. Not some terrifying experience that will leave me scarred. I have awesome pals waiting for me on the other side- and even if I didn't, I'd still benefit from clumsily heaving myself over that barrier. 

You can do it, too. Even if you haven't been sick, we all tend to alienate ourselves from friends from time to time. You're probably a little more graceful in your hurdling, probably don't walk into book stores with hummus on your face because you scarfed your rice cake outside so no one will have seen you. 

Funks, right? Ick. Who needs 'em?

Take Time To Make Time

I'm learning, a lot later than most I'm sure, just how valuable the time I spend alone can be. I like venturing out on my own, having date days with myself, and taking time to think about what truly makes me happy. I haven't been able to reflect as clearly through these roughest parts of my sickness, and it's kept me from learning myself. Maybe I more was focused on being silly, trying not to let myself get too serious because I was secretly very scared of my disease. I kind of felt I didn't need to know more than that just then.

 Shutting down other areas of my life because something I'm 

dealing with is tough? Preposterous. Those neglected little parts really suffer! I'll

 never let that happen again.

Coming out of a terribly rough patch in health [or really any harder life situation that sets you back], you rediscover new things about your personal tastes. A lot of things. It feels pretty amazing.

Turns out, I really like reading. I never put time into learning new things when I was younger. I was way too interested in what movies were coming out, and what Britney Spears wore to the VMAs. Supah lame. These days, gimme anything and I'll read it.

I'm too sexy [slash, not sexy enough] for my hat. Or my jacket. Or my left shoe. I was never really a fashion forward type gal. Comfy sweats or hoodies did me very well. Now that I'm a little older, and have had oodles of time to blogstalk fashion writers, I'm really interested in trying to recreate what I see, but on a sickie's budget.

Keiko Lynn is a personal fav.

I also discovered that I really enjoy crossword puzzles. Go on and make fun of me. Pfft. 

I LOVE MUSIC. 

Live music is wonderful, and I had the chance to see a really great show last weekend. Well, most of a show. I was spent by the third quarter and had to head home... But getting out and being part of a live music experience is something that I forgot meant so, so much to me.

Have you heard of Jason Anderson?? His shows are so intimate, so lovely... He draws you in and forces you to participate by clapping, singing along, and is quick with a joke or two. Simply awesome.

Exploring is fantastic! I've had more energy lately to see the parts of Boston that I hadn't yet invested time in, and so far, I love it. I am proud to live here. So many medical and technological advances have been made here, among tons of other cool historical happenings.  I'm excited to know that there's even more to learn about in pretty much any part of this city.

We took a Duck Tour through Boston last weekend! 

Okay, so I wasn't alone. But a lovely date day was needed, and we had a blast! ;D

 I know now just how much it's worth to hear my own voice, and I hope you do, too. Even if you're tone def, it feels good to get loud sometimes.  Your friends will understand. I don't see any of them on American Idol.

Zing.

Go On And Wander

I ventured out a few times this week, on trains, buses, and foot, to numerous places around Boston.  It's awesome to get out again.  The weather is wonderful and Cosmo and I have welcomed the opportunity to jump back into the swing of things.  Our 'swing of things' is a bit different than yours, but I'm sure we are seeing some of the same lovely sights that you are in the  awesome spring sunshine.

Train stations always made me a bit nervous, having lived in Florida for so long.  Transportation was a whole new World when I got to this city.  Nowadays, I can climb into a crowded train without hesitation.  The people watching is absolutely superb, and if you know to keep your things close to you and avoid creeps [which I have actually not even had personal interaction with], you'll be just fine, too.  Even my pup keeps a positive attitude.  We have a lot of fun zipping around from station to station, mainly exploring and finding new places to visit because our strength is back up, up, up!

The other day in the Porter Square T Station, I stumbled upon a pretty cool operation.  Someone had left numerous books on two long shelves, as if to offer them to passersby.  I thought, 'What a cool idea!', and wondered who was so awesome, to leave books there for takers, with a small jar for the amount of money that the purchaser felt necessary to leave for what they took.  So cool.

[There was a whole other side that had books lined up, too!]

If I could have afforded to, I would have left some money in the jar for who had left it there, just for giving people the opportunity to read good books.  Reading is one amazing thing that we can give ourselves that really means something.  We can become so many amazing things with the opportunities that we have in this country and in our educational resources.  I'm really thankful for that, and plan to exercise my right to power up my knowledge.

You can find some really awesome things when you're not looking for them.  You could probably sit on a damn bench and just watch things roll by that teach you lessons.  Another gift we have is the ability to close our mouths- and open our eyes and ears, to get out there and experience. 

Go on.  Go.  It's nice outside. 

Side note: I just finished The Catcher In The Rye.  I thought it was adorable.  I had never read it, and I thought it was cool to see things from the perspective of a teenage boy.  Not being sure about what you want to do in life, not even really being sure if your feelings are straight.  I could really relate.  Because this starting over thing, it can be a real pain in the ass sometimes...  even on the sunniest of days.  Though I don't look it much these days , at least I'm past that whole puberty thing.

Third Annual Bean-iversary

It was three years ago today, that I boarded a Boston-bound plane, with a backpack and a puppy... to chase my dreams and grow into an amazing woman.  I think I'm finally getting there.

Cosmo sat in his 'house' under my feet in the cabin of the plane.

  I held my hands in my lap.  And we cried.

I received this journal from my dear friend Hua on my 23rd birthday.  I have kept it close to me since then, adding to it my proudest adventures, lessons learned, and my 'flutter moments'.  I remember what I wrote on the plane that day.

12-31-2007

Boston Hard Candy

A jump will be scary.  A leap, terrifying.  Small hops are enough when you don't know what it is you're missing.  But when you get that taste- the kind that doesn't leave your mouth without a swish of something that stings, can you ignore your heart and not chase it?  Can you let it fade away after time and obligation, like a round piece of hard candy that you'll slowly lick into non-existence?  I always used to hide them in the side, right here in my cheek.  Or wait to open the wrapper until the time was right.  But when the time came and passed, I'd always come to find that piece of candy somewhere in the bottom of my purse, hangin' out with the loose change and lint balls.  Eventually, most ignored hard candy makes it to the garbage, with it's dirty wrapper and forgotten moment... And you're always a little angry that you didn't eat it when you had the chance.  I want to jump at this chance.

This is the first apartment that I lived in.  

I had my first snowball fight here, my heart broken here, and learned the true meaning of friendship.

Before I had left Florida, I was managing a Bath & Body Works store in Sanibel (wasn't as thrilling as some would imagine). I met a woman that I haven't seen or heard from since.  She gave me wise words and a quote by Henry David Thoreau.  And she hasn't a clue how she's affected me.

" We must walk consciously only part-way toward our goal, and then leap in the dark to our success."

I had the beginnings of a plan, but wasn't sure about the details.

This move just seemed more and more right.

I had planned to drive my little green car to Massachusetts after the first of the year.  Then, it died.  I decided to put my things into bins and leave them in my family's garage.  I left everything.  It wasn't until a year and a half later, that I opened those boxes again.  

Meanwhile, I started a life for myself here in Boston.

  The ticket from my first Celtics game, my first show in Boston (Eclectic Collective & Slick Rick), a postcard from the first bar that I worked in (Big City <3),  the ticket from my first trip to the Museum of Fine Arts, and my trusty subway schedule.

I've done some amazing things here.  I've pushed myself.  I loved and lost.  Hard.   I've learned self-respect and  strength in solidarity.  I lived alone.  I ran.  And ran and ran.

I gave myself something that I deserved.

Because I lived through a few of the most difficult times of my life

Friends were sent to me by the truck load.  I met some of the most positive influential (men and) women anywhere.

[There are SO many more of them]

I HAD A CROHN'S RELAPSE.  AND I BEAT IT.

I kissed boys. 

A lot of boys.  

(And we don't have enough room here to get into it.)

I reconnected with my REAL love.

I worked my ass off.  I started cooking.  I fell in love with Yoga & Pilates.

I SANG.

I get to start performing with The Deep in January 2011!

When I moved here, I met ME.  It was worth every moment that I knew real struggle.

I've spent time with my fantastically tacky family, and got to go to concerts that made me feel ALIVE.  I've argued with cops, lost things in cabs, rode trains (I'm still not over how cool they are.)  I found what I was looking for.  And it's just the beginning.  

Happy New Year!

Fight and Flight

As an inexperienced Blogger, I will admit that my hopes for creating a place where making friend's laugh with witty remarks about links to funny Youtube videos and Restaurant Industry commentary were rather high.  But, as I learned more about putting together what I may look back on someday and want to be proud of, I decided to focus some attention on what's really going on in my life. I am twenty-six years old, single, and reside in Boston. One more thing; I have Crohn's Disease.  


I visited my family in Florida this week.  While I can't wait to fly back home to Bean Town tomorrow, I am terrified.  I am experiencing a full-on Crohn's relapse.  Leaving my beloved city to come back to a place that I moved (slash ran) from years ago was difficult, but knowing in my gut that when I arrive back in the chilly Northeast, I will be sick and without my mom... that's rough.


Earlier this evening, I received a link from a dear friend that couldn't have arrived at a better time.  http://crohnsend.com/ is a website developed by Reid Bryant Kimball, Director of the documentary WANTED: Crohn's End, (which can be viewed at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtR8CmXCndM) designed to educate the public, as well as Crohn's Disease and Ulcerative Colitis sufferers alike, about the Alternative options to help ease these terribly painful and incurable diseases.  


I am being welcomed back to Boston tomorrow by some of the most loving and amazingly bright people I have ever known.  Without my new family, I may not have known the strength that I was able to find in myself  
during these flares of my sickness.  So, I can't stay out late with the girls or wolf down cheesy fries anymore.  And who cares if I'm not able to warm up with a couple drinks out with the gang this winter?  Knowing that there are pals around who will always 'spare a square' is a pretty warming feeling.  Even in the frigid Massachusetts weather.