Freshly Squeezed Jerk

Sometimes, rolling with the punches is the last thing you feel like doing. If you become angry about a situation you find yourself in, it may take a bit to talk yourself out of being a jerk and just deal with it. Your face puckers when you get a lemon chucked at your grill- and absolutely no one expects you to smile about shitty news or the promise of super hard work, but there are ways that you can turn things around without gagging on that lemon rind. You've just got to tell yourself to shut it, and accept your new challenge with a brave little grin.

For example, two days ago I had a colonoscopy to see where I am in my Crohn's healing. The results weren't what I'd been hoping for, and I was super pissed. Remission isn't in sight. I cried on the drive home, and even argued with Steven about treatment options that I still want no part of. I had completely ignored that I triumphed in another scary situation, and simply shrugged off the fact that the new images of my guts were heaps healthier this time than they were less than a year ago.

After the initial anger, and the very humbling realization that I was acting like a turd, I decided to change something about this new batch of sadness; come at it with an even stronger knowledge than I had before. I took how much I learned during the last go-round for granted, and upon that shameful hiccup, vowed to get back to the basic, positive understanding of life with my disease that I spent so much time honing.

I shot down to the library, picked up some books on chronic disease, rebuilding your life, and relationship mending, and got to work.

I started making notes. I laughed, cried, fell asleep on one of the books and drooled on it's spine. I spoke out loud to myself as I found "ah-ha" moments. I cried again. Needless to say, Cosmo thinks I'm ridiculous.

I don't want to be a jerk anymore. I'm ready to let go of my anger, and speak out to friends and family the way I used to. I want my life back.

It's funny how sometimes you've got to feel the fear of losing it to get your jump-start. Though, I'm not scared. This time I'm making hard lemonade.

Long Time No Squeak

I've grown away from this blog. I'm not proud of it, but lately it just seems depressing to me to post anything that could be Crohn's-related. The truth is, I've been focusing so much attention on trying to work, that I've been straight up ignoring my body.

Stupid. I started writing Stale Cabbage to have something to look back on in times of weakness. To remind myself how hard I've worked to accomplish not only finding peace with my disease, but finding peace within myself. So here's the deal, Alicia. listen up.

Just because you have more energy than you did a month ago, doesn't mean that you're any closer to remission. You know damn well that when a flare comes, it starts to brew long before there are any tell tale signs. Are you seriously thinking that ignoring the teeny red flags of your irresponsible dietary actions will keep your sickness at bay? Come on. You also don't want to realize that taking it easy isn't just something that most people wish that they could do- it's imperative for you. Man up. Take responsibility for that little body, because you haven't gotten it back to one hundred percent yet. That doesn't mean that it's okay for you to sit on your ass, either. I want you churning out more drawings than you know what to do with, making connections left and right, and organizing what to sell, how to sell it, and closing every deal that you can.
Then, I want you to blog about it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you're scared of something, you tend to want to ignore it. People put things off all the time because they're afraid the outcome will be different from what they expect. I guess showing courage in situations that you don't want to recognize is something that few people are actually able to do. I also suppose that when faced with that very dilemma, I've been a mouse. You know, you're either a man or a mouse, right? But let me tell you a little something about mice. They're smart. They may run into a wall the first couple of times they try to find their way out of some shit-- but when they know what they're doing, they show up again with a greater strength. And an army to back them up.

I think that I am ready to spend more time thinking about what I need to do to make things right with my bod. I've started to resent it for everything that I've been through, and recently- I've been feeling not so great. I've been taking that out on the people that are closest to me, and I feel retched. For that, I am so, SO deeply apologetic.

So pals, mind doing me a solid? Tell me when you think I'm being an idiot when it comes to food, rest, and alcohol. I may squeak like hell for a bit, but I promise I'll share the good cheese with you... you know, when I can truly stomach it again.

Picnic Day!

The weather in Boston has been lovely this month. Sunshine and cool breezes make afternoons super comfy, and last weekend was a great time to soak them in.

Steven and I packed some lunch and headed down to a park on the Charles River. We munched on veggies and sat in the sun with Cosmo. He loved running with other dogs and was happy to play with the children that jumped and giggled by the water. Pretty cute.

[Keeping watch over our blanket]

A day outside when you're on the road to recovery can boost things into the right direction, especially if you're with people you love. I've always found sunshine to be healing, and I absolutely love having my pup by side while I bask in it. 


Being out and about is a personal fav, but the moving and shaking definitely 
tuckered some of us out.

What's one thing you'd love to do this Spring?

What Are You Lookin' At?

This is a very serious matter that I think requires some attention... from me, at the very least.  

There are few things in this life as effective as 'Dancing It Out'. 

Have you ever really listened to the lyrics of Vogue?  They are absolutely unquestionable therapy for those who don't have insurance and need to ditch some depression.  Of course, they should be heard as is intended for such a session- in your bedroom, at full blast, while you dance to them in your underwear.

 

Dancing triggers an endorphin release.  When you're lonely, depressed about being sick, or sad about really anything, dancing will make you feel better.  I freaking guarantee it.  Pick something fast and catchy, or something that you can sing along with into a hairbrush [please, don't think I hadn't assumed that you already do].  When you feel like lying on the floor and crying- which I admit happens regularly when I'm not doing well- you sort of have to force yourself to cheer up.  You'll bring your spirits to a place where, I promise, you'll be thankful to yourself for doing so.

Not to mention, we let our inner bad-asses out when no one's watching.  When I'm [most likely very clumsily] stomping around my apartment to music, I'm not sick.  I'm sexy.  I'm happy.  I feel good.  And no one has to see me making a fool of myself, so when I actually can go out dancing, I will feel so confident that I won't care if they do.  

Surely, this is because I am a crip walking master.  

 

Um, people are still doing that, right?