An [Almost] Epic Fail

Here's a little story about something serious that can happen in your relationship when you're living with a chronic disease. 

For so long, all that I knew was my sickness. I had no choice but to put other serious issues that I'd been working out for myself on the back burner. I journeyed far and wide through Relationship Land, and was just getting the hang of actually knowing myself as a single and independent person when I got sick.  

When you watch as the people in your life that you gave your everything to, those individuals being deserving of it or not, take a big dump on your kind and genuine nature, you become broken. You start believing that you aren't worth what you're trying to give in relationships, so you give more. Even when you shouldn't. I call this... the Give Give Monster, and it can also come a-running if you start to feel guilt for something [say, having a disease that you can't cure and receiving limitless care from someone you feel you'll never be able to repay]. GGM began rearing it's ugly head as I became closer to remission this year. Steven had dutifully taken care of me at my worst, and never uttered a word about how unhappy my sad and frustrated behavior, not to mention terrifying hospital stays, had made him feel throughout my treatment. It's only now that his resentment about the painful feelings he had harbored for so long is surfacing. And I find myself wanting to give up countless pieces of myself for our relationship as emotional pay back. 

What he's feeling is so normal, it's scary. He's lived with my disease, too. And I suppose a part of me might  always feel like I 'owe him'. Finding out how to heal together while healing separately is a must. 

Our Crohn's war had almost split us.

Almost.

We've done it before, we can do it again. 

For couples who hope to stay together through a struggle as tough as the one we've known, I recommend a healthy dose of relationship therapy. There's not a damn thing wrong with knowing what you want, and doing everything you can to keep it. I started therapy earlier this year, and Steven and I will soon be going together. If you know that you've found the love of your life, you should fight for it with everything you've got. Just make sure that GGM doesn't put a damper on the joy that you deserve for yourself. Right now, my partner needs me to be strong, just like he was. And I intend to be there for him like I wasn't able to before.

Not because I owe him. Because I love him.

It's Okay Not To Be Okay

To Whom It May Concern:


It's come to my attention that I am unbearably, and undeniably, unhappy. There have been few things lately that make me feel as though I have something to be proud of myself for. After spending so much time wondering what things would be like if I'd ever come out of so many terrifying Crohn's flare moments, it's almost gotten old for me to try for it.  Pieces of me sort of don't even care anymore. Small things that made me so happy seem so difficult to do. Objects are heavy. My body doesn't work like it used to. People are at such faster paces than I am. I don't speak when I'd like to. I resent anyone and everyone for what their abilities are that mine don't- and won't- hold a candle to. I think that I've actually started to hate things. 


I'm writing about this because I should. Because when you're this down, but you still have hundreds of reasons to be happy, you should let your feelings out in words that will prove to benefit you when you decide to read them back to yourself. To say to that sad, weak you, 'So you started over and it was a hell of a lot harder than you thought it was going to be. What are you crying about? You're alive'. I've learned a great deal about myself by exercising this method of therapy. Though I still harbor ill feelings about a lot of people, things, and situations -most of which, do not deserve my shitty judgement. 

I know how hard building my life is going to be. I get small tastes of it everyday. There really is no greater struggle than a struggle within yourself. I'm incredibly angry about what's happened to me. I want to find someone to blame. I want to blame everyone. I'm finally ready for my body to start feeling better, but I forgot how much it used to do. I can't even ride a bike yet. It will take me, I don't know how long, to even get up a hill. I guess I know one thing- after all the peddling I'm about to do, the breeze at the top better feel fucking amazing.


Rant over.


Will someone come over with cookies now?